Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Fancy Restaurant














I went to a fancy restaurant the other yesterday and I was struck by how the waiter always describes the specials with the article "a".
"Tonight we offer a fillet of salmon, cooked in an olive oil. We also offer a Frenchbread pizza which is a bread that is quite cleverly, a pizza."

I don’t get that, cuz if they really want to sound fancy they should say “THE”.

“Today we offer THE Frenchbread pizza. Trust me, you have NEVER had frenchbread pizza like this before. Mama Celeste would probably blow her brains all over her rustic kitchen if she ever tasted this stuff. Thats how shamed she'd be. Thats how."


Then I'd be like, "That honestly sounds like a huge over reaction on Mama Celeste's part." And the waiter wouldnt say shit because he'd know i'm right. And my date would be like, "Mmmmm...ughnnn."

And i'd go, "you order whatever you want, Glenda."
Then she'd order a bowl of peepee and i'd regret telling her that.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Scientists: Opossums Not a Separate Species. Are Actually Just Raccoons With Downs Syndrome














Sciencetown, WI
American scientists have discovered that the animals we know as opossums, misclassified for years as their own species, are actually raccoons with a specific form of retardation.

“We all just assumed they were a separate species,” says biologist Richard Steiner. “Though it does make sense when you think about it…laying down and releasing your bowels when you’re attacked? C’mon! What is that?”

Many in the science community are red in the face over the whole situation. Especially embarrassed is Dr. Phillip Howell, writer of the book, Opossum Man, My Year Among The Marsupials of Southwestern New Jersey.

“I can safely say that I was wrong about a lot of things,” admits Dr Howell. “Apparently their acceptance of me was more based on their friendly, trusting nature rather than my intricate submissive signaling.”

Dr Howell had interpreted the opossums’ hand-flapping and toothy grins to be a sophisticated system of communication.

“I guess they were just having ‘silly time’,” conceded Dr Howell.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Hunter Able to Fell Tiny Deer by 'Giving it a Good Smack'



Mt Scrumbledale, NY:
Hunter Gene Parso made history last week, when he came upon an unusually small, fragile whitetail buck, which he was able to kill by "smackin' him one."

"Im waiting in my treestand all day," recounted Parso, "Around 6pm, i see this little deer come through the brush. I aint never seen a deer so little before. So i think to myself, 'I dont even need my gun for this lil' bastid'."

Mr Parso then climbed down from his treestand, aproached the small deer and "smacked him around" for about 5 minutes.

"Y'know that scene in the Godfather, where Sonny beats-up his brother in law in the street? Thats what it was like, only instead of knocking him into a pile of trash cans, i knocked him into a pile of plants cuz we was in the woods."

Parso has no plans to mount the deer as a trophy.

"He aint pretty no more," He explained. "I'll probably just wind up using him as firewood or somethin."

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

On The Job Injuries Reported At C&C Music Factory, Millsburg PA




10/29/90: Fat beat flies off conveyor belt, lightly injuring plant manager and 2 workers



7/08/91: Faulty air conditioner causes several employees to sweat till they bleed

3/12/91: Cafeteria worker loses 3 fingers to hungry/sassy 400 pound soul-diva.

5/25/93: Cleaning crew is caught in trash compactor and crushed to the rhythm, crush-crushed to the rhythm, crushed.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Actor Steve Buscemi, ‘I too will donate my eyes when I die.’



Following in the footsteps of the recently deceased Jerry Orbach, Actor/Director Steve Buscemi has said he will immediatly arrange for his own status as an eye doner.
“Being an organ donor is important, but few people realize how important it is to specifically be an eye donor,” Said Buscemi, “the thought of my eyes giving the gift of sight to a small child is a heartwarming prospect.”
However, not everyone is thrilled by that prospect.



“Creepy,” shuddered Carla Hollis, a 31 year old waitress and mother of blind twins, currently awaiting a donor. “Imagine a baby with [Buscemi's] crazy dead eyes stuffed into its little sockets…oh my God. It’d look like some kind of nocturnal marsupial, or some sort of deep sea fish. I'll take the blind twins over baby Frankenstein, thank you very much."

“We wouldn’t turn away any healthy eyes that come in,” said Gregory Simms of the NY Organ Bank. “But…we do try to avoid mismatches.” Buscemi’s eyes would be unlikely to wind up in a child or infant. “They will more likely go to a jittery ner-do-well or a quirky loner.” Said Dr Simms. “Perhaps someone whose wiry frame and informal attitude belie a brutally violent nature.” Dr Simms added, "I personally think Mr. Buscemi has nice eyes. Very awake looking."

Friday, February 16, 2007

This blog written while flying down the street on a Kawasaki Ninja


Yo. It's me here. Reporting from the seat of my beloved Kawasaki Ninja performance bike. Im screaming along the main drag, doing 115 and believe me, IT IS ON!

If youre wondering why this blog is absolutely dripping with sex and turbo, let me lay it out for you simplistic. I'm typing this shit as i scream through the streets of suburban New Jersey. You dig? I'm turnin ladies' heads and wakin up the deads, and my hands arent even on the Goddamn motherfucking handlebars. I havent even looked up in 10 minutes. Thats how ON it is.

Anyway, get to the point, right? OK. Im typing this as I shreik through backyards and playgrounds at 297 MPH to let you know some important shit about making your dreams a reality. Know what im sayin? Of course you dont. Cuz if you did, i wouldnt have to type a blog as I blurt through the aisles of Costco doing thousands of MPHs in the saddle of my Kawasaki Ninja. Oh yeah, I also have tribal arm band tattoos and work in a cell phone store. Deal with it!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Boston Mayor Beheaded By Cast of Coach in TV Guerilla Marketing Ploy


Boston Mayor Thomas Menino was publicly decapitated in what has been described as a guerilla marketing scheme for the long canceled sitcom Coach.
Bostonians were surprised to find the original cast of the show performing the execution on an improvised stage near Kenmore Square.

"At first, we all thought it was like a show or somethin’. [The cast of Coach] ran onstage and danced around. Craig T. Nelson, he was like the hype man. Getting the crowd clapping in unison and whatnot." Said witness Mike Baird, a City Parks employee.
"Jerry Van Dyke on the other hand, he hung back. Looked real serious. I guess now I know why."




While all of the cast members participated in holding down the hysterically struggling mayor, the role of executioner fell to Van Dyke, who unceremoniously removed Menino's head with a commemorative Coach Bowie-knife, before vomiting and running off stage.

"We figured it'd be funny if Van Dyke did the deed because he usually looks so friendly." Said Samule Quentin of Mandangle Marketing, a New York based guerilla-marketing firm.

"Doing the opposite of the perceived norm can often result in humorous dividends. For example: a salad made out of meat, or a promiscuous infant." Explained Quentin.

Boston was put on high alert until it became clear that the kidnapping and public execution was a publicity stunt.

Memorial services for Menino will be held at Parson's Funeral Home in Brookline, MA.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Vlad Tepes on dating.


I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with the bloodthirsty 15th century Walachian prince, Vlad Tepes (AKA Vlad The Impaler, so named for his favorite method of execution) at a trendy downtown tapas bar to get his take on the do's and dont's of dating in New York.


LUCAS: Enjoying your tapas, Tepes? Haha, those words sound ali-
VLAD (to armed guard): Impale this idiot on a stake made out of bees.
LUCAS: Hey! Get off me! Get off! Whats that buzzing sound? Bees? How'd you get them to form a spike like that- agh! No! Ow! Theyre stinging me while they stab me as a whole! Stop! Oh God no!!! What are your favourite hotspots to pick up chicks in the meatpacking district!?!?! Arggg!!!!!!!!!!!
VLAD (nibbling on tapas): Shhhh...
LUCAS: (Gurgle)...Whats...a player...gotta do...to keep from...getting played?
VLAD(to armed guard): Feed him to the pigs when he stops breathing.

EPILOGUE: I escaped somehow.

Launch of the new blog!

I want this blog to be a place where rules can be broken and boxes can be thought outside of. To drive that point home, heres a derivative Top Ten style list of PLACES YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR "RULES":

Up your butt!

Up your ass!

In a memo titled "Rules" so i'll know next time!

Out of my 'drunk driving' face, you hysterical blood-covered lady!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Annoying Hipster Douchebag

Here's a mostly improvised video thats funny. I made it along with my buddy Pat Stango www.donttouchmethere.com