Thursday, October 30, 2008

Fun ways to make REM songs more Halloweeny

"This one goes out to the one I MURDERED!"

"What's the frequency, THE MUMMY?"

"I was just uh…gardening at night, officer. Wait- no! Don't open that garbage bag!" (blow cop's brains out. widen grave for extra body).

"Follow me, don't follow me. I've got my spine I've got my FRANKENSTEIN!"

"Bloody stabby people holding kniiiiiives..."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

"How to Relax When Punching"

Someone recently reached this very website by googling the search term "how to relax when punching". They didn't stay long (under 1 second), which is probably because the answer to their question obviously didn't exist here…until now!


Step 1: Clear your head. Stop worrying about work. Forget about the kids. Right now, there's only this punch. Just you and the punch.

Step 2: Breath.

Step 3: As you wind up to punch, try picturing the person you're about to punch in their underwear! They look pretty silly don't they? Feel better? You're gunna do fine!

Step 4: Contact. This is the most crucial time of the punch in which to relax. I cannot stress this enough: CHILL OUT, otherwise you may mess up punching.

Step 5: Follow through. Congrats! The hard part is over with, though it is still important to remain relaxed. Try picturing the person you just punched in their underwear again. What a goof, huh?

Guess what? You're done! Punch complete. Don't you feel great? And hey, you didn't do half bad either! You stayed relaxed all through that punch and it showed! :)

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Adult who Argues with Children AND WINS.

-Are-are you done? Can I speak now? First of all, whales are mammals, and mammals don't 'lay eggs'. Secondly, I highly doubt this anomalous, egg laying, OCEANIC-mind you- oceanic whale managed to walk 75 miles from the nearest ocean beach and LAYED EGGS in the POND behind your house.

OK- stop- stop talking. Just stop talking. You are embarrassing yoursel - excuse me! Excuse me, I let you speak, now you let me sp-

Oh really?…And how am I "embawasing" MYself? Have I been ranting and raving like a lunatic? Have I been jumping and flapping my hands whenever I g-- excuse me sir, this is between me and your 6 year old daughter, thank you ver-Why am I waking up in a hospital bed? It seems like I just made a huge leap in time and place, pretty much instantaneously.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Ghost Report!

New weekly blog feature, where we investigate ghosts

This week, Ghost Report investigated a report of a ghost in an abandoned haunted house known as "Ghost House". In the early 20th century, Ghost House served as a haunted house for a ghost. Now abandoned, it is completely haunted WITH GHOSTS. An ironic end for a haunted house (Ghost House) if you ask me.

Ghost house is a haunted house that is...h...y'know what? I didn’t go. You got me. I had a headache and a sore throat so I didn’t go.

Next Week's Ghost Report:

Y'know what? No more Ghost Report, huh? No More Ghost Report. Thats probably best. Scroll down for an apology

jk omg

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

People who DESERVED it!

John F. Kennedy
Lacie Peterson
Nicole Brown Simpson
Ron Goldman

* "It", meaning justice. Not getting-murdered

Monday, October 20, 2008


Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I figure I'll let you guys in on whats been going on. My gourd, Gourdon, was recently diagnosed with cancer. The first time I noticed something was wrong was when I first bought Gourdon and noticed he was covered in tumors.

I told myself it was nothing to worry about- that's just how gourds look, right?
Then a week later, there was blood in Gourdon's stool.
I took the day off work and brought him to the hospital.

After starting chemo, all of Gourdon's stem fell out. He's self conscious (Gourdon always was a ladies gourd) so I told him he looked just like Bruce Willis (but, lets be honest, he's more of a bald Edward James Olmos/F. Murray Abraham).

Last Sunday I woke up early to bring Gourdon to the Farmer's Market. He was cold to the touch. But that's normal for a gourd, so we went to the market and had a great time. Then the next morning I woke up early to take him in for radiation. This time he was mushy and rotten to the touch. He was gone.

You were a good friend Gourdon.
Whenever I see gourds, I'll think of you and smile.
And whenever I see cancer, I'll think of your cancer and frown.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Letter to My Favorte comedian

By Timmy Walsh
Ms Gurston's 3rd grade

Dear Mr Poundstone,
You are My favorit cmedian are a very funny man Paul Poundstone. I saw you on tv at my grandparent house when they let me stay up and watch tv. you have a very funny things to say about all kinds of things. Me and my older sister and even my granparents were laffing!

you wears business suite just like my dad. I wish my dad was funny like you tho! I bet you could beet up my dad. he has egsama AND sorayases. Will you marry my sister so you can be my big brother? her boyfrend died last yeer so don worry about him.

Your fan,

Timmy Walsh

PS: plees don't beet up my dad sir. Just a jok. Ok?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Exclusive News Headline: Dustin Diamond PARALYZED During Stunt to Save his Mazda

Madison, WI
As part of his latest guerrilla fund-drive, this time to save his beloved Mazda 626, Dustin Diamond attempted to jump "super" high in the air, from a standing position, several times.

The small crowd that gathered in St. Marion Park to witness the stunt was impressed when Mr. Diamond completed his first jump.

"He jumped pretty high. He could probably get rim on a basketball hoop, no problem" Said one man who wished to remain anonymous because he gave a fake joke name.
"But his second jump…something went wrong. I think he got paralyzed."

EMT's who were present for the stunt said Mr. Diamond attempted to loop his arms, under his raised legs, mid jump, in a sort of "human jump rope" maneuver. However, he was unable to complete the dangerous & complicated move in time, and the crowd watched in horror as Diamond fell to his paralysis.

"He landed on his neck…That sound…The only way I can describe it is
it sounded almost like a series of bones and nerves getting damaged," Said witness, Danny Aiello.

Diamond was declared paralyzed at a small ceremony surrounded by friends and family.

Related News Headlines
Billy Joel MURDERS Art Garfunkel

Monday, October 13, 2008

Pun-based improv group names for sale!

I write and sell punny improv group names. $20 a piece or highest
bidder (highest on drugs).

The Del Too Close For Comforts
Timprovothy Leary
M. Night Shyamalongformimprov
The Monoscentheists
Home Improvment
The Presidents of the United States of Ameriprov
Only The Good Diarrhea Youngpeopleloveimprov

(bargain bin)
The Pepto Bismarks
Miami Davis Jr.
Sammy Davis Vice
The sword in the scone
The Marcia Gaye Improv-is-hard-ens

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

OP ED from the Archive, 1841:

America Is ADDICTED To Foreign Opium!
By Mitchell Jefferies Jr.

America runs on opium. Love it or hate it (I LOVE it), this is just a simple fact. From the carriages we drive to the mills we operate, everywhere is a good location in which to smoke opium.

However, reliance on foreign opium has left us vulnerable to the whims of the orient. And if you’ve ever tried not constantly smoking opium, you know how every inch of your being throbs with malaise. Simply switching to hashish or pilfering the children’s morning brandy is obviously not an option. So what are these United States of this America to do?

I propose a pragmatic 3-step plan: First, we burn the Irish. Then to take their place, we import Chinapeople. Once the Chinapeople enter their winter hibernation, we simply massage their opium glands, harvesting their precious byproduct. It’s like killing two million passenger pigeons with one stone (which, by the way, everyone should try at least once. Highly killable birds. Highly killable).

1841-ly Yours,

Mitchell Jefferies Jr.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

OPINIONS: None of Yo Business!

By Scrimpscrimp Barlayjanay

Dear The Editor,

Ok first off, I been drinking Bombay Sapphire ALL DAY, so you need to CHANGE YO DISPOSITION. Understand? Secondly it aint none of yo business what I be do. And this is why I writing to you today.

People be asking me, “Scrimpscrimp, why you be do that?” and I be tryin to tell them, “None of yo business!” but they don’t even want to hear it. This is an issue of the community!

Now some people be getting at my fambly. They say, “all you Barlayjanays be drinkin Bombay Sapphire all day. That aint no way t’make the day.”
Now when it comes down to things, is that any of anybody’s business? I beg to disagree.

Dear The Editor yours,

Scrimpscrimp Barlayjanay
The None-of-yo-business KING of America, BITCH!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Hey Vermont, enough with the maple syrup already!

We get it, alright? We fucking get it.
Let's have a look at the FACTS about Vermont:

FACT: Fall color is 100% BULLSHIT
FACT: Vermont was NOT one of the original 13 colonies.
FACT: Vermont has yet to outlaw wasting food.
FACT: Vermont leads the nation in hayride deaths.
FACT: Vermont remains “The Green Mountain State” despite their shrill insistence to the contrary.
FACT: Vermont’s capitol city is one of America’s most evil capitol cities.
FACT: Cannibalism was commonplace on the island of New Guinea in the early 19th century and Vermont is ALSO terrible.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Improvised Prank Phone Call

I just completed a level 601 prank telephoning class at the Chi Chi Ramirez School of Improv Gigglers. Here’s the transcript of my thesis prank on an unsuspecting sucker:

SUCKER: Hello?
ME: Hi, how are you?
SUCKER: I’m OK, who’s this?
ME: It’s uh…what’s it called…
SUCKER: Sorry?
ME: What?
SUCKER: I said, “sorry?”
ME: Um…for what?
SUCKER: …Who is calling please?
ME: Oh right! It’s uh, what’s it called? It’s this guy-It’s this nebbish calling.
ME: Y’know, this nebbishy…or y’know what? Scratch that. I’m this Middle Eastern taxi fellow…but my name is like, an American one! Haha?
SUCKER: I…don’t understand.
ME: You- hmm………………….I’ll call you back later.

(5 minutes later)

SUCKER: Hello?
ME: Stanley, my name is Stanley….
SUCKER: (silent)
ME: But I’m like, Arabian.
SUCKER: (soft breathing)
ME: Ahahaha, gotcha! You’ve been prank telephoned, asshole.
SUCKER: OK. Is that it?
ME: Mmm, yeah that’s- oh wait! I almost forgot, I’m gunna kidnap your children!
SUCKER: What?!
ME: Yeah, I’m gunna kidnap your children, Clarissa and Brian, right? I’m gunna kidnap them.
SUCKER: That’s not funny. Kidnapping isn’t funny.
ME: …What about a whoopee cushion just for queefs? Is that funny?
SUCKER: I dunno. A little.
ME: OK, so we’ll go with that instead.
SUCKER: Leave my children alone.
ME: Yessir. Take care now.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Recession-Proof Investments

Rope. People will always need to kill themselves.

Tyler Perry. When America hits on hard times, we turn to the comfort of terrible movies. It’s as American as apple pie flavored Vitamin Water chips.

The polar bear funeral industry is BOOMING. Look for exponential growth.

Cutups. Look for cutups and wiseacres to make huge strides in the depressing days ahead. Their joke-comments and laugh-riddles will be in extra high demand.