Tuesday, November 25, 2008

50's Style Anthropomorphic Animal-With-Musical-Ability Type Song












(spoken)
Step aside, Rockin Robin.
Move over, The Crocodile Rock.
Cuz there's a new boogie in town…
A one two three four!

(guitar intro 8 beats)


(sung)
Everybody in the zoo has got that feelin goin on!

(backup singers)
Musical animal! Musically gifted animal!

When the sun goes down they gunna really rock until the dawn!

(backup singers)
Musical animal! Musically gifted animal!

The zookeeper says "shush"
But then he faints
when he realizes the significance of what he's seein'
Musical animallllllll!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Hi, welcome to this conversation! Let me show you around.

This is the introduction…This is where we give our names and a brief synopsis of what we’re about.

And this is the part where I ask what school you attended. This was actually based on a design by Frank Lloyd Wright, where he asked someone what architecture school they attended………………That was the awkward pause…

Oh, now this part you’ll love. This is the part of the conversation where I pay you a compliment I don’t really mean. Nice eyebrows!

And finally here’s my favorite part of the conversation. The wrap up. This is where I like to have my morning coffee. Nice, huh? Yeah...
Well cool! It was nice meeting you!
Take care.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Monday, November 17, 2008

Grandparents week-and-a-half continues with: LAP ENVY

Yeah, thats right. I have a 37" lap. Its not a big deal or nothin, but...heh heh...my grandkids aint complainin!


trust me...there's room.












Other grandparents be jealous of what i got but I'm just like, "Pfft! I don't give a shit! i didn't ASK to have this gigantic lap, BITCH!"

Some people take one look at my lap and they're like, "you, Mr Magillicuddy, are God's gift to lapsitters." Well let me tell ya...there's more to grandparenting than laps...but, once youve had a story read to you on a Cadillap...why would you ever go back, BITCH!?!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

How to Relax When Screaming at your Grandparents

The day is finally here when you've decided to stop putting up with the bullshit of your grandparents and…surprise surprise, you're nervous!
BUT- you don't have to be bucause [sic] keep reading!

Step one: close your eyes. Don't get bogged down in greetings or kisses, you've got some screaming at them to do.

Step two: bend your knees, relax your hands then start screaming at both of your grandparents.

Step three: finish up your snarling, foaming-at-the-mouth verbal attack on your grandma. Count to three in your head. Eat a tablespoon of honey. Now tear apart your grandpa with your very loud angry words.

Step four: if you're still tense about screaming at those grandparents, try laying down on the ground or on a table. Guess what? They can still hear you shrieking at them, and its much more comfortable for you!

Look, no one said screaming at your grandparents was going to be easy. If it was, everybody would do it sometimes. But you made the decision no more bullshit. And for that you should be proud. And being proud is scientifically a type of relax. So CONGRAGULATIONS[sic]!

Also see: How To Relax When Punching

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

EXCLUSIVE NEWS HEADLINE: Maya Angelou Loses Bar Fight

Woodside, NY
Celebrated poet Maya Angelou is in stable condition after engaging in an epic 17-minute bar fight Monday evening. The brawl, which began at PJ McSwaggerty’s Bar/Pub moved out into the street, and ended in a grocery store, nearly a quarter mile away.

Witness, Stan Martin says Angelou “had been mouthing off all night. You could tell she was drunk & looking for trouble.”

Ms Angelou found the trouble she was looking for in the form of retired firefighter Frank “The Punching Expert” Voltagio.

Martin recalls, “Angelou, goes up to Frank and basically starts cursing him out. Calling him ‘a faggot’ and whatnot. Frank says to her, ‘why don’t you sit down before you hurt yourself?’ I guess that really pissed her off, cuz she popped him one! You could hear everyone in the bar suck wind, like as if to say ‘oh no, we’re about to see celebrated poet Maya Angelou get VERY badly beaten here’.”

As it turns out, the patrons were justified in their fears. Vultagio, using his superior size, strength, speed, fighting experience, and unusually jagged knuckle structure, quickly dominated the fight. However, witnesses say Angelou refused to give up easily.

“You ever see the movie Cool Hand Luke?” asks witness Gordon Marsh. “How Wayne Newton [sic] refuses to give up, even though he’s getting punched in the face A LOT? It was like that, only even crazier.”

The rumble soon moved out into the street. At this point Voltagio managed to grab the celebrated poet by her ankles. He swung her around to build momentum, then let go, sending her flying into the brick fa├žade of a Food Emporium.

The fight continued, through the automated doors, into the deli section of the grocery store. There it ended, as quickly as it had begun, when, staggering to her feet after being knocked down yet again, Angelou’s legs finally gave out and she collapsed into a pile of celebrated poet.

“I aint never seen an old lady take that kind of punishment for that long,” Said deli worker and witness Sam Ammedi. “Now I know why the caged bird sings…cuz it’s got serious fuckin balls!”

Monday, November 10, 2008

“Where do I wanna have MY birthday party? SHUT UP TOWN!!!”

Give your kid a birthday party they will never forget at central California’s ONLY licensed shut up facility! Your child and up to 30 of their friends will have a blast, running, playing and being told to shut up by our certified child shut up technicians.

After free play shut up, PIZZA is served by an authentic pizza chef who will tell everyone to shut up.

Forgot to bring your own cake? No problem. Shut Up Town has 3 flavors of cake to choose from. Our friendly shut up technicions will tell everyone to shut up, then sing "happy birthday" peppered with TONS of demands for everyone to SHUT UP!!!

Shut Up Town

Go ahead and ignore us. We’ll keep telling everyone to shut up- GUARANTEED

Thursday, November 6, 2008

PLEASE DO NOT MASTURBATE YOUR DOG ON MY LAWN!

Dear Neighbor,
I wish it wasn't necessary for me to post this sign, but apparently it is. Whoever has been masturbating their large-breed dog on my lawn PLEASE STOP! It is inconsiderate and it is KILLING my lawn!










I don't masturbate my iguanas on your property! In fact, I don't
masturbate my iguanas at all. Maybe you should consider not
masturbating your gigantic dog anymore- PERIOD.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Attention Foodies: Hi.


Hi fellow foodies. If you like food and know more about it than anyone else at the table, every time, then you might be a foodie. Just like me! Hi!!!

If you're NOT a foodie, let me explain what being a foodie is about. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I, as a foodie, am able to enjoy food in ways that if a non-foodie (our nickname for you people is "pieces of shit") were to experience, it would send him/her into a spiral of madness resulting in PERMANENT INSANITY. But to me, its just another day at a church.

Church?

That's right church. Rustic Italian food is my God. 3 bean soup with a dollop of homemade goat cheese is my St Jesus. Very good, medium priced wine is my The Three Wise Men. Betcha didn't know that about foodies. Perhaps you pieces of shits should stop assuming you know EVERYTHING so I can go back to talking loudly about how duck fat is the most baroque fat.

A very sarcastic "thanks",

Rudy The Foodie


PS: YEAH OBAMA!!!!! (non sarcastic)

Monday, November 3, 2008

History's Least Popular Presidential Campaign Slogans

"Change me, America!"
-Bernie Babyman Campaign

"TOGETHER, We Can Brutalize Poverty"
-Hillel Z. Magnumfuck Campaign

"A Live, Uncooked, Cackling Chicken in EVERY Lunchpale, for Some Reason"

-William Werver Campaign

"Helping America Shut The Fuck Up"
-Phillip Roosevelt Campaign

"Tippytapoo and Tyler Canoe TooTOO!"

-Wavy Davy Campaign

"PUT THAT (me) IN YOUR PIPE (voting booth) AND SMOKE (vote for) IT (me)!"
-Hubert Herver Campaign

"No!"

-Brennis Gordon Campaign

"In God we Thrust"
-Sexfuck W. Buttchrist Campaign

"I like Kike"
-Francis Kiker Campaign

"Vote for me and I will munch your box for a solid hour"
-Diego Ortega campaign

"Country First. Dealing With My Prostate Problems a DISTANT Second."

-Daniel Brashigan campaign

"I am Going To Kill Myself, GUARANTEED!"

-Paul Westerfield Campaign