Monday, December 29, 2008

New Blog Policies:

1. As of today, this is a pay-to-view blog. Each viewing automatically deducts $3 from your account.
PS: check back often to see if I put up a new post. I wont have, but you never know!

2. No more than 37 comments allowed PER POST, so get on that board EARLY!

3. Our new motto: "The customer is always white"
In other words, treat EVERYONE as though they were a white. Its just good business!


5. Every blog now comes with the Apology Guarantee tm.

6. Blog employee daycare service to be replaced with a lack of one.

Monday, December 22, 2008

New Sex Study: Sex-Study Sex Fantastic.

A new sex study, released today by the Parrington institute, finds that sex, had as part of a sex study, is "fantastic", with only 37% of the subjects reporting their sex study sex as frightening and/or unpleasant. A whopping 63% reported enjoying the sex study sex.
Sex. Sex study sex sex sex.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

How to Relax When Asking your Boss What’s His Race

Hi, OK. So the time has finally come. You’ve gotten up the nerve and you’re ready to go for the gusto of: “just what the heck race is my boss anyway!?!” Don’t worry; we’ve all been there. It’s a hassle, but hey, this is the most important thing in the world- best to do it right.

Step 1: Show up early to work. Very early. Be there, waiting in the dark when your boss turns on the lights.
Step 2: Lighten the mood with a joke. Perhaps a joke about early birds and the types of things they eat.
Step 3: After the laughter has died down, turn the subject of the conversation to what race is your boss.
Step 4: Keep your cool as he answers.
Step 5: Become pleasantly surprised. Congratulate him on his race’s specific accomplishments. Excuse yourself to the breakroom to “get your head together”.
Step 6: Sip some Lemon Zinger tea and feel good about what you’ve accomplished regarding knowing and race. Things are looking up for you at this company and that scares the shit out of people!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Succinct Character: The Non-Traveling Salesman

Yawn...Morning Honey- feel like placing an order today?...
No? Alright, no pressure. Have a good day at work! Zzzzzzzzzz.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Lets meet at the gazebo in the center of town for hot cocoa & to get kicked in the balls!

Dear neighbors,

It’s that time of year again! The cheer of the season is upon us, and it is once again time for the annual, Hot Cocoa and Getting Kicked in the Balls Social at the gazebo. Please bring a baked item (no nuts) and your unpadded genitalia (ladies' vaginas also welcome). Cocoa and earth shattering kicks in the balls will be provided. Awards will be given out for the most gingery cookies and for the most insane kick to the balls endured by an individual over 55.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Women don't faint anymore

They used to faint at the drop of a hat. But these days you've gotta really do your homework to make a woman faint.

In the 50's you could make a woman faint with just a frog.

"get a load a THIS!"




But today, to actually MAKE a woman FAINT, you'd have to like- pretty much- strangle her for a little while- which is as least twice as illegal as scaring her with a slimy frog.


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

New Study: Fuck You

Chicago, IL
According to a new study carried out by the Brilling Institute in conjunction with Medicorp & Omnitech, fuck you.
Still, some skeptics doubt the accuracy of the findings, citing the fact that many of the scientists involved in the study were pieces of shit.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Dear Schenectady Teen Magazine,

First of all I love your magazine. It's the only magazine that really speaks to the kind of teen I am: one who lives in Schenectady, New York.
OK so, back to my questi: my sweet 16 party is scheduled for December 12th. But after checking the Dept of Public Works website, I noticed there is scheduled construction on State Rt 104 on that date. I'm worried because the party is taking place at the Gifted Dinner Roll, WHICH IS ON RT 104! Will the scheduled construction affect stuff?
Also, my dog needs a sex change operation. Is there a place that will do that for dogs in Sche Town?

Teen With 2 Questions In Schenectady

Dear T.W.2.Q.I.S.
The construction scheduled for Rt 104 on the 12th should only slow traffic, not cut it off completely. There will still be one lane open. Kinda lame, I know, but whatevs. At least its not like what's been going on with Cyahuga Blvd! WTF!

In response to your other question, I don't believe Schenectady currently has a veterinary sex change hospital. Your best bet is Utica.