Dr Lucas Held, Medical Scientist

I’m a Nut For Pondering Skulls!

I’ve got to admit to a guilty pleasure of mine: PONDERING HUMAN SKULLS!

I guess you could say I was bitten by the ponder bug at an early age when I held my first skull while learning about the origins of bad habits at Booger Camp (pictured above).

I liked the ponderous way holding a skull made me look, and I liked the ponderfull way it made me feel when I looked at it and wondered about stuff: “What color is God’s skin? What would I do if God turned out to be kind of a sickly jaundiced shade? Where the heck do skulls come from anyway?”

After returning home, I spent every last penny of my milk money on skulls (today, I am four and a half feet tall due to severe calcium deficiencies). I tried out for every school play that involved pondering a human skull: Hamlet, Fiddler on The Roof, Death of a Skull Salesman, The Best Little Whorehouse Made of Skulls in Texas. I was never cast, but I received great word-of-mouth reviews as an attentive and respectful audience member.

I’ve tried pondering femurs, baskets of fruit, dead cats, alive cats, but nothing stimulates the mind & also the brain quite like a skull. So put down your lit cigarette. Drop your crystal amulet. Slowly pour acid on your Rubik’s cube. AND PICK UP A SKULL! You wont be disappointed (unless you’re not really into skulls).

Interesting Bits of Conversations I Overheard Around The City In The Past Week

"So I told her, no way! Hahaha. Nah Just kidding, i said aight."

"He's a visiting professor from Harvard, so you know he's gunna be jacked."

"Please don't hold my hand Susan. Thanks."

"These hot dogs actually arent for sale."

"Pregnant? Crap. How bad? Shit."

"...So me and Cynthia went to- um...uh...can I help you dude?...well youve been following us since 48th st. Seriously, could you give us some room please?"

"Did you see Entourage last- Oh my God, Brian...i...i think theres someone out on my fire escape. (gasp) Theres a guy with a notepad watching me! Brian what do I do?!?"

"OK, sir at this time im placing you under arrest for trespassing and harassment."

"Stop fighting us sir! Stop fighting us or we'll have to mace you!"

"Wow, we maced the bjesus outta this guy, huh?"

Randy Newman watching Bam Margera on MTV:

(Best if spoken to self in Randy Newman’s wetarded sounding voice.)


Hahaha! oh no Bam! Da nice afternoon you planned for your mom was all a setup! What’s your uncle vito doing dere!?! What’s dat big fat disaster doing?

Hahaha Uncle Vito got naked! Whys dat guy naked he’s gwoss!

Now Bam’s mom is scweamin cuz her garden party is ruined! Uh oh and here comes Bam, he was hidin’ the whole time! Oh no Bam, don’t get into a carefully choreographed food fight! You’re makin’ a spectacle of stuff!

Oh no Bam, don’t sit your mom down and calmly explain t' her dat you don’t love her! Oh bwother! Don't-Don’t dwop trau den spway her with diarrhea! Baaam!!! Tee hee!
Hey, I tink I’ll write a song about dis:

Dere once was a bug and his name was Bam, and his pawents were mad cuz he was such a twickster! But he got paid money for bein such a twickster, so they weren’t really mad, they were just pwentendin.

U.S. Millitary Slogans Aimed at Attracting More Jewish Recruits

I Want YOU, Josh Greenburg.

What? You want we should let the terrorists win? Feh!

Think of killing people as just suing them for their heartbeat.

The U.S. Millitary: Now featuring guns that can be fired simply by wringing your hands in worry.

I Should Be All That I Can Be So Lucky!

ZOO REVIEW: Prospect Park Zoo

On Sunday, my brother Eric and I visited the Prospect Park Zoo in Brooklyn. It’s a small zoo, so it’s understandable that they wouldn’t have the mega fauna one would see at the Bronx Zoo. But what it lacks in lions and gorillas, it more than makes up for in a diverse collection of animal skin diseases painstakingly collected over the years.

Prospect Park Zoo is THE destination for fans of dermal conditions as it boasts the largest collection of endangered rashes and mangy tumorous growthy things of any publicly funded zoo.

The zoo has everything from “hideously infected/misshapen baboon butt syndrome” to the rarely seen in captivity “every prairie dog in the colony is going bald in the exact same spot-itis.”

This amazing collection is only possible, thanks to a generous lack of donations from the Horowitz Family Foundation and the invaluable expertise of zoo staff.

“Ringworm, that pops up overnight. Anyone can grow ringworm…but eyeball rot…that takes a careful neglect only an animal expert is capable of,” said Carlos Stevens, a homeless man living in the penguin exhibit.

After visiting the zoo, be sure to stop by the gift shop, where you can purchase adorable BeanieBaby brand canker-sore plush toys and a lovely calendar featuring Lobo, everyone’s favorite ostrich whose beak fell off.

New Study: Falling Down Stairs Good For You

Conventional health knowlege has been turned on it's head yet again. In recent years, alcohol has been shown to act as an antioxidant. Then it was revealed that coffee helps to prevent neurological disorders. Now a new study shows that falling down the stairs is actually good for you.


"We've found falling down the stairs to be stimulating to both the mind and body, with very few negative side effects," said Dr. William Fish, head of Rothbein Research Institute.

This is good news for Tumble Inc. a publicly traded manufacturer of falling down the stairs, whose stock went up 12 points after the study was released.

This new study comes fresh on the heals of the institute's latest finding: that being raped to death by a waterbuffalo is full of vitamin C.

Fancy Restaurant

I went to a fancy restaurant the other yesterday and I was struck by how the waiter always describes the specials with the article "a".
"Tonight we offer a fillet of salmon, cooked in an olive oil. We also offer a Frenchbread pizza which is a bread that is quite cleverly, a pizza."

I don’t get that, cuz if they really want to sound fancy they should say “THE”.

“Today we offer THE Frenchbread pizza. Trust me, you have NEVER had frenchbread pizza like this before. Mama Celeste would probably blow her brains all over her rustic kitchen if she ever tasted this stuff. Thats how shamed she'd be. Thats how."


Then I'd be like, "That honestly sounds like a huge over reaction on Mama Celeste's part." And the waiter wouldnt say shit because he'd know i'm right. And my date would be like, "Mmmmm...ughnnn."

And i'd go, "you order whatever you want, Glenda."
Then she'd order a bowl of peepee and i'd regret telling her that.

Hunter Able to Fell Tiny Deer by 'Giving it a Good Smack'

Mt Scrumbledale, NY:
Hunter Gene Parso made history last week, when he came upon an unusually small, fragile whitetail buck, which he was able to kill by "smackin' him one."

"Im waiting in my treestand all day," recounted Parso, "Around 6pm, i see this little deer come through the brush. I aint never seen a deer so little before. So i think to myself, 'I dont even need my gun for this lil' bastid'."

Mr Parso then climbed down from his treestand, aproached the small deer and "smacked him around" for about 5 minutes.

"Y'know that scene in the Godfather, where Sonny beats-up his brother in law in the street? Thats what it was like, only instead of knocking him into a pile of trash cans, i knocked him into a pile of plants cuz we was in the woods."

Parso has no plans to mount the deer as a trophy.

"He aint pretty no more," He explained. "I'll probably just wind up using him as firewood or somethin."

On The Job Injuries Reported At C&C Music Factory, Millsburg PA

10/29/90: Fat beat flies off conveyor belt, lightly injuring plant manager and 2 workers



7/08/91: Faulty air conditioner causes several employees to sweat till they bleed

3/12/91: Cafeteria worker loses 3 fingers to hungry/sassy 400 pound soul-diva.

5/25/93: Cleaning crew is caught in trash compactor and crushed to the rhythm, crush-crushed to the rhythm, crushed.

Actor Steve Buscemi, ‘I too will donate my eyes when I die.’

Following in the footsteps of the recently deceased Jerry Orbach, Actor/Director Steve Buscemi has said he will immediatly arrange for his own status as an eye doner.
“Being an organ donor is important, but few people realize how important it is to specifically be an eye donor,” Said Buscemi, “the thought of my eyes giving the gift of sight to a small child is a heartwarming prospect.”
However, not everyone is thrilled by that prospect.



“Creepy,” shuddered Carla Hollis, a 31 year old waitress and mother of blind twins, currently awaiting a donor. “Imagine a baby with [Buscemi's] crazy dead eyes stuffed into its little sockets…oh my God. It’d look like some kind of nocturnal marsupial, or some sort of deep sea fish. I'll take the blind twins over baby Frankenstein, thank you very much."

“We wouldn’t turn away any healthy eyes that come in,” said Gregory Simms of the NY Organ Bank. “But…we do try to avoid mismatches.” Buscemi’s eyes would be unlikely to wind up in a child or infant. “They will more likely go to a jittery ner-do-well or a quirky loner.” Said Dr Simms. “Perhaps someone whose wiry frame and informal attitude belie a brutally violent nature.” Dr Simms added, "I personally think Mr. Buscemi has nice eyes. Very awake looking."

This blog written while flying down the street on a Kawasaki Ninja

Yo. It's me here. Reporting from the seat of my beloved Kawasaki Ninja performance bike. Im screaming along the main drag, doing 115 and believe me, IT IS ON!

If youre wondering why this blog is absolutely dripping with sex and turbo, let me lay it out for you simplistic. I'm typing this shit as i scream through the streets of suburban New Jersey. You dig? I'm turnin ladies' heads and wakin up the deads, and my hands arent even on the Goddamn motherfucking handlebars. I havent even looked up in 10 minutes. Thats how ON it is.

Anyway, get to the point, right? OK. Im typing this as I shreik through backyards and playgrounds at 297 MPH to let you know some important shit about making your dreams a reality. Know what im sayin? Of course you dont. Cuz if you did, i wouldnt have to type a blog as I blurt through the aisles of Costco doing thousands of MPHs in the saddle of my Kawasaki Ninja. Oh yeah, I also have tribal arm band tattoos and work in a cell phone store. Deal with it!

Boston Mayor Beheaded By Cast of Coach in TV Guerilla Marketing Ploy

Boston Mayor Thomas Menino was publicly decapitated in what has been described as a guerilla marketing scheme for the long canceled sitcom Coach.
Bostonians were surprised to find the original cast of the show performing the execution on an improvised stage near Kenmore Square.

"At first, we all thought it was like a show or somethin’. [The cast of Coach] ran onstage and danced around. Craig T. Nelson, he was like the hype man. Getting the crowd clapping in unison and whatnot." Said witness Mike Baird, a City Parks employee.
"Jerry Van Dyke on the other hand, he hung back. Looked real serious. I guess now I know why."




While all of the cast members participated in holding down the hysterically struggling mayor, the role of executioner fell to Van Dyke, who unceremoniously removed Menino's head with a commemorative Coach Bowie-knife, before vomiting and running off stage.

"We figured it'd be funny if Van Dyke did the deed because he usually looks so friendly." Said Samule Quentin of Mandangle Marketing, a New York based guerilla-marketing firm.

"Doing the opposite of the perceived norm can often result in humorous dividends. For example: a salad made out of meat, or a promiscuous infant." Explained Quentin.

Boston was put on high alert until it became clear that the kidnapping and public execution was a publicity stunt.

Memorial services for Menino will be held at Parson's Funeral Home in Brookline, MA.

Vlad Tepes on dating.

I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with the bloodthirsty 15th century Walachian prince, Vlad Tepes (AKA Vlad The Impaler, so named for his favorite method of execution) at a trendy downtown tapas bar to get his take on the do's and dont's of dating in New York.


LUCAS: Enjoying your tapas, Tepes? Haha, those words sound ali-
VLAD (to armed guard): Impale this idiot on a stake made out of bees.
LUCAS: Hey! Get off me! Get off! Whats that buzzing sound? Bees? How'd you get them to form a spike like that- agh! No! Ow! Theyre stinging me while they stab me as a whole! Stop! Oh God no!!! What are your favourite hotspots to pick up chicks in the meatpacking district!?!?! Arggg!!!!!!!!!!!
VLAD (nibbling on tapas): Shhhh...
LUCAS: (Gurgle)...Whats...a player...gotta do...to keep from...getting played?
VLAD(to armed guard): Feed him to the pigs when he stops breathing.

EPILOGUE: I escaped somehow.

Launch of the new blog!

I want this blog to be a place where rules can be broken and boxes can be thought outside of. To drive that point home, heres a derivative Top Ten style list of PLACES YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR "RULES":

Up your butt!

Up your ass!

In a memo titled "Rules" so i'll know next time!

Out of my 'drunk driving' face, you hysterical blood-covered lady!

Annoying Hipster Douchebag

Here's a mostly improvised video thats funny. I made it along with my buddy Pat Stango www.donttouchmethere.com