Japanese Punching-Scientists Punch Pregnant Whale for Science

Monday, August 25
Top Japanese punching scientists are conducting research on a pregnant whale caught off the coast of Antarctica.

"You'd be surprised how little the scientific community actually knows about how pregnant whales respond to getting punched," Said Dr. Yuko Fushi, in between scientific punches and carefully thought out open palm slaps.

"its too early to draw conclusions," Added Dr. Ishi Yanewa, before dropping his pen into the whale's open blow hole for emphasis.

Edgar Allan Poop: The Thinking Man’s Toilet Comic

Greetings Buffalo New York. Greetings.

Perchance a query
on this evening dark and dreary.

Imagine if one were to have diarrhea AND constipation at the same time? I believe such a scenario would unfold…a little bit…like this:

(Pretends to pull knickerbockers down. Grunts and strains for several moments. Suddenly, a diarrhea sound effect.)

‘Ye Gads! What a morbid surprise! Had I known this liquid Hell were my destiny I surely would have put less effort forth into arriving here!’

Quoth the anus, "Flbthbthblpbpbfffffpt!!!"

ANOTHER BOOK IDEA TO SEND TO PUBLISHY:

“From The Neighborhood”
A Ginzo Goomba’s Guide to Being from the Neighborhood
By Tony Italiani (pen name so I can have a right to talk about neighborhoods)

OK, wow. Hi. OK publisher. So I safe to say you didn’t piblush my Party Tips for Black People book because you never wrote back and I haven’t seen it in book stores and I didn’t get a money check but this next book is even better because it is great I had the idea while reading that Sopranos guy’s book A Goomba’s Guide to Love











and it gave me the idea From The Neighborhood: A Ginzo Goomba’s Guide to Being From the Neighborhood so here goes.


Chapter 1: Love
This chapter will act as a goomba’s guide to love. Mama mia!

Chapter 2: growing up in the neighbohod.
Here I will bretend I am a Italian from the neighbohohd. I tell traditional stories about my mama mia’s cooking and my papa pia’s crime gang. Real tight nit comyunity. Funny stories all written in a Brookland accent!

Chafter 3: You know you’re from the neighborhood (sp?) if you…
-had an uncle
-are a Italian actor
-pronounce pizza without sounding out the z’s (“peeetsa”)
-are a murderer
-are murdered
-are a redneck (JK jeff fockswerthy is GOD (JK jesus is))

CHAPT 4: famous Italian Americans
-Leonardo Davinchio
-Whos The Boss
-Onlympia Ducockiss

Chaptor 5: Neighborhood Shmeiborhood (sp?)
This chapter will make fun of the neighborhood for fun. What’s with ‘the neighborhood’? What is that baloney? Huh?
It’ll make people laugh because they like to see the things they love get yelled at sometime.

Happy publishing!

Exclusive News Headline: Billy Joel MURDERS Art Garfunkel

“Pianoman” Billy Joel is under arrest and on suicide watch after witnesses say he murdered fellow singing legend Art Garfunkel at a mutual friend’s Long Island home Monday evening.
Police say they received an anonymous call at 5:30pm claiming that Billy Joel was murdering an unidentified person. Upon arriving at the scene, arresting officer Michael Shwerm said he was surprised to discover it really was Joel, still in the process of murdering.

“Of course at the time, I had no idea the victim was Art Garfunkel," said Shwerm, "He was too badly burned and his skull was completely crushed, rendering him unrecognizable and disgusting. But something told me I should stop this murder.”

Investigators say it appears Joel had tried, unsuccessfully, to rip Garfunkel's face off, in an attempt to recreate the album cover of Joel's 1976 hit "The Stranger"
















Officer Shwerm quickly took action,

“I fired a warning shot, but it was too late. Joel was done murdering. Now the victim, who turned out to be Art Garfunkel, was just plain murdered.”

Joel was taken to Nassau County prison where he awaits charges.
It’s unclear as to what caused the incident. One witness who wished to remain anonymous offered her opinion, “I think Billy Joel overreacted about something.”

A succinct character: The Big-Mouthed Psychic ruining his friend’s birthday party:

Happy birthday toooo youuuu- And SEVEN moooorrrrrre-













………I...I am so sorry…I.......

Finally a blog post JUST FOR TEENS!

This blog post is a safe place where teens can read. Post comments. Click around. Whatever!









TEEN TOPICS:


Teen boxing
The world of boxing is a great place for teens. Here at this blog post, we take all sorts of teens OFF the streets and put them into the boxing ring immediately.









Teens can make not-bad money, boxing full grown men as a way for the dude to feel better about himself and get a chance to actually hurt somebody. This is a public health issue solved by TEENS!



Teens dating teens? Now I’ve seen everything!

It’s a fact of life. These days, teens are gunna date some teens sometimes. That’s why today’s teens use protection. Protecteen tm is a teen organization that exists solely within this blog post. It ensures teens have the tools they need, to protect themselves from sexy diseases.



Teen poetry corner
Hi teen, welcome.
You look sad. Did you know that means you’re a good writer? Its true. Come on in and pull up a beanbag. Sorry it’s not chair-size.
Hey, so, Rebecca was just about to read us her poem. Take it away Rebeccs.










Cool. Great job Rebecca. I guess that was lucky how all those words wound up rhyming, huh? Writing is a funny thing. It’s 25% luck, 50% sadness and 25% typing.


Future teen topics:
Teen tours
Teen real estate
Teens

Choose your actions carefully

Choose your actions carefully, because someone, someday, may make a movie about your life…and it may star Tom Hanks…and do you really want to hurt Tom Hanks’ career with all those masturbation scenes? They have NOTHING to do with the plot! One minute you're planning a trip or something, then suddenly cut to ANOTHER masturbation scene!?!- this is the weirdest Tom Hanks movie I’ve ever seen! shame on you.

Welcome To The Raisin House Of Tomorrow!

Hello and thank you for stopping in to view this exciting new home, available at a competitive price. The Automated Realtor audio tour will begin at the tone.

(beep)

As you may have noticed, this house smells like raisins. Every room. Raisins. No one knows why. Some houses just smell like raisins. In fact, many buyers see it as a plus.

Monticello is a raisin house. Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water is also a raisin house.

Please make your way through the foyer toward the kitchen. Still smell raisins? Of course you do. You will find the consistency comforting.

This is the kitchen.

Dishwasher. Viking range. Raisin smell. Granite counters. You can cook anything you want in this kitchen! You can almost smell the Thanksgiving raisins now. Mmm.

Please follow the arrows up the stairs to the master bedroom. You will notice that the stairwell smells of raisins. This is terrific.


Welcome to the master bedroom. The brilliant white carpeting is subtly accented by the thuggish hint of raisins. You definitely want to buy this house.

Imagine convincing your friends that your new home used to belong to some sort of raisin tycoon or perhaps to one of the fictional R&B singing California Raisins. "This is where they found the famous raisin, dead on the toilet," you may tell your boss as you proudly show him around. I hope you like promotions! And raisins!

Book publishers used to hire me to write the back-cover blurbs/synopses for their books. Then they stopped.

The Road
A man stumbles across the burned out wasteland. He is completely scared and 100 percent sad. It's the year (?) and everything is dead & spooky. You are in for a seriously good read. OK, Take care.














Under The Tuscan Sun
Enjoy this book like you would a fine wine! Haha, just kidding. Enjoy!














Black Beauty
Finally a horse that doesn't subscribe to the white man's definition of beauty. Black Beauty takes place in an era of breathtaking spectacle and exuberant fortitude. Great for kids or pretty much anyone who likes Black Beauty.














Spice Up That Meal (cookbook)
This book is the cure for the common meal!
It’s also the cure for the common cold! 200% money-back guarantee!

Rejected ONN Story Ideas

Some ideas the Onion News Network passed on.

Mike Tyson introduces own line of George Foreman style electric grills.
Tyson pitches: “it knocks out the fat, then rapes the fat’s wife in front of the fat’s children. I have a headache all the time. Don’t be such a faggot, America, buy this shit! I’m gunna take a nap while standing for a little bit. Wake me up when its time to rape and hurt people. ”



Brazil and other APEC countries announce higher ass prices.
The ass cartel APEC, headed by the ass-rich country of Brazil, released a statement today revealing they plan to increase the price of hot ass to 3 cocktails, 2 sushi dinners and 1 cute, self-effacing story of one’s awkward adolescence. The US and EU request that APEC increase production to meet demands and stabilize prices.


Metropolitan museum of art building open-air wing to house fecal-based paintings.

Weird Al phones it in

“Hamburger in Paradise”
to tune of Jimmy Buffet’s “Cheeseburger in Paradise"

Hamburger in paradise
Sesame seed bun with an onion slice
A burger WITHOUT cheese would be nice
It’s just a HAMburger in paradise!












“Bream”
To tune of The Everly Brothers’ “All I Have to do is Dream”

Breeeeeam
Bream bream breeam
Breeeeeam
Bream bream breeam
Whenever I want FISH, all I have to do is eat breeeam.



“Goodbye England’s Pizza”
To tune of Elton John’s “Goodbye England’s Rose” (which was to tune of Elton John’s “Goodbye Norma Jean” (which was to tune of Bo Diddley’s “Goodbye Bo Diddley”))

Goodbye England’s Pizza!
Though we never ordered you at all
We wanted pepperoni
but you just had anchovies!!!
(kazoo solo)






note: Weird Al is terrific.

The Filthy Mouthed Naturalist: Snowshoe Hare

Salutations cunts,

The wonders of winter are truly upon us. Today, on my morning hike through the shitty ceder swamps behind my cabin, I startled the fucking shit out of a perfectly camouflaged snowshoe hare.

It truly is a stunning creature. As white as an old Italian lady's vaginal bush and twice as rare to see; snowshoe hares have now changed from their brown summer coat to a brilliant white winter fur. They use this camouflage to hide from their chief predators, dickhead bobcats and scumbag lynxes. All of which, by the way, can go ahead and gargle my naturalist balls!

Consider yourself lucky if you have the good fortune to actually see a snowshoe hare. 53 years ive spent scouring the winter's woods of the northeast, and only twice have my eyes gotten their metaphorical dicks sucked by this rare member of the rabbit family. Perhaps this winter wont be so fucking shitty afterall.

Keep fucking nature in the ass,

Regibald Q. Parsnidge
The Filthy Mouthed Naturalist

Book Treatment To Send To Publishers ASAP!

Dear Piblusher,
the Follwing is a treatment for a book thank you.

Party Tips For Black People
By Gary Stevens
(this will be my pen name so people might think I might be black?)

SYNOPSIS
Hi, OK: Im thinking of writing a book of party tips for throwing a great party. But then I said to myself, there are plenty of party tips books out there. But what there aren’t is, are any party tips books geared toward black people so here goes!
(note to publisher: KEEP READING!)










Chapter 1:
im not black but I think black people are great!!!!!! Lets get started.

Capter 2:
Making invitations. I’ll need to do some research into the favorite fonts of black people (do you capitalize Black People?). Also card stock. If I were a Black Person what kind of card stock would I think sizzled? These will all be researched and written.

Chatper 3: This will be the chapter where the real party tips start. Soda? Check! Ice? Check! Black people? DOUBLE CHECK!!! HAHA
See how I plan to put the reader at ease? This will be fun for everyone who is a black person (or even othr race too! Who knows!?)

Chapter 5;
Thius chatpter will be a joke chapter! What happened to chapter 4? It’s a mystery! Haha. It will be like a joke mystery. Just a joke though. THIS BOOK HAS NO RULES!

Chapethg 6
Here we really start telling the party tips BIG TIME. Meat and potatoes chapter

Ch #7:
Last chapty of book. I basivly say my goodbies to the Black People And tell them the truth I am white (even if they didn’t believe wen I told them before cuz they maybe were so fooled by my pen name). This is where brotherly love comes into play. Racial together. Then when they least suspect it, one last party tip: DON’T FORGET TO HAVE FUN!!!

If you like this for a bookPlease mail publishing monehy to me today!


Oh and one more thing…don’t fogret to have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gotcha again! Ha. Seriously. Thqnks for your time

A Succinct Character: The Dad Who is Morally Opposed to Diarrhea

(bang bang bang) What’s going on in there Jeremy!?!
...Not in my house you're not !!!

(trying to turn knob) Unlock this door! Unlock this door this instant!

I hear what you're doing in there you little sicko!

Marilyn, call Father Thompson!…and also call THE POLICE!
...'Collywobbles' my ass! He's a disgusting little shit AND I WANT HIM OUT OF THIS HOUSE!

(trying doorknob again) YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, JEREMY!

(storms off, only to return seconds later)…You deserve not making JV baseball, you hear me!?! You deserve it!!!

Dead Baby-Sidewalk-Bird, a poem

Dead baby sidewalk bird
More startling to step on than any turd
Popping sound? A little pink bird!
Bird bird bird bird bird bird bird

Dead baby sidewalk bird
Fragile body. Not yet featherrrred
Sorry your song will never be heard
Just kidding. I hate you, sidewalk bird

Dead baby sidewalk bird
Maybe hate was too strong a word
Accept my apology? I feel like a nerd.
Whoah hear what that cat said? I think it purrred!

Dead baby sidewalk bird
Rhyming your name is really hurrrrd
But I realize it’s what you would’ve preferred
Had your siblings not pecked you to death for being weak

-Robert Frost *


*JK It's by me. So chew on THAT, you racist.

Rumors I'm Starting

It's documented fact that at the exact moment of Princess Diana's death, every infant under the age of 1 yr, all over the world, began to weep.

At the moment of Jessica Alba's birth, every infant in her hospital began to furiously masturbate...and not "furiously" as in "with enthusiasm". "furiously" as in "angrily".

If you say the Lord's Prayer backwards, God will slap the hell out of a random Saint, just like James Caan did to his brother-in-law in The Godfather. Then God will head over to the Playboy mansion to cool off.

The most commonly misspelled word on applicants' resumes: "diarrhea".

If youre a white person that talks like a black person youre 15 percent more likely to develope prostate cancer.

If your hand is smaller than your wrestling teammate's genitals, youre gay.

The lyric in the Warren Zevon song Wearwolves Of London: "little old lady got mutilated late last night- wearwolves of London again." is based on an actual "wearwolf" attack on an elderly London woman. The following is a transcript of the forensic inspector's comments at the crime scene:
"Victim is 87 year old Martha Wright...Tufts of blue hair ripped from victim and scattered all over room...victim still holding pieces of hardcandy- looks like she may have known the attackers!"

NY Press review

Check out this review of Shoot The Messenger. They like my Tucker Carlson inspired character.

Popeye's Commercial Featuring Me Screaming

Time Out New York Joke of The Week

By me

Its been a while

Sorry i havent come up with much new stuff on here recently. Ive been busy writing and performing with a live show called Shoot The Messenger www.shootthemessengernyc.com and have recently begun contributing to the Onion News Network. So thats been taking up a good chunk of typo-time. Oh yeah, and i just shot a TV comercial for Popeye's Chicken! keep a squinty eye out for that in March.

I am going to murder your boredom!

And it’ll happen when you least expect it.
Maybe you’ll be drifting off to sleep then -BOOM- I shotgun your door off the hinges. Then me & the Naked Magazine girls (tm) party our way into your room and continue to party there for a few minutes. Then, just like that, we’re gone…that’s when you notice your boredom lying on the floor with its head blown clean the fuck off. Yikes!

Or perhaps you’ll be driving in traffic when- FWONK- you notice a Red Dog Beer truck, (with me at the wheel) barreling out of control towards your Kia Supegra. You dive out the driver’s side door seconds before the truck slams into your car. Later, forensics investigators will sit you down and explain how the force of the deploying airbag severed your boredom’s spine, killing it instantly. I’ll try to make my way through the sea of EMT’s to hand you a banana daiquiri but they’ll take you to the hospital as a precaution before I can get close enough.

Or maybe you’ll be having fun at the amusement park, your boredom nowhere to be seen. Later that night you return home, throw your keys into the key bowl and announce your presence to an empty house. Hmm, that’s strange, where is your boredom? Turn on the light switch and- AGHHHH!!!! Your boredom is also dead in this situation!!! And there’s some sort of note explaining how I’m responsible!!!*

*(I would’ve stuck around but after waiting for like 2 hours, my own boredom showed up with a 12 pack of Rickardi Funfizz malt fruit alcoholic fruit blaster frost cans and we went off into the woods to drink those and fall in a gorge…I think this is all taking place in Ithaca or something.)

Just Headlines

3rd Annual TV Sitcom Judge Convention Held














Chinese Lead Found to be Contaminated with Toys.
Not a Big Deal.











Local Genius Wins Internet Messageboard Argument.
Masturbates Self.











Germaphobe Overcomes Fear of Eating Poop.

To The Guy Who Just Shot Me In A Knife Fight – (transcribed as it occurred)

(bang!)


-Oof!!!

...HHHHHEYYYYYYYYY!

Where-where'd you get that?!?

That!

That gun! Where'd you get that gun?

Why do I ask? Oh, I dunno, maybe cuz I was under the impression this was a knife fight! Meaning we circle each other, while nervously switching our knives from our right to left hands. Then someone lunges & the other guy pulls back, then the other guy lunges & the first guy pulls back.

I mean, you challenged me to a knife fight, I figured you'd know what a knife fight was, but…

Ooo…owy owy…owch…

It-it just doesn't seem really fair…that you'd challenge me to a knife fight…we get all our respective friends out here at Blind Man's Bluff, and then you pull this garbage!

And I'm sorry, that's what it is! Garbage!

Why did we bother dressing in red leather jackets if we weren't gunna knife fight? You think I tie bandannas around my wrists and ankles for my health!?! It was for the knife fight, you jerk!

I can't believe I went out and spent $15 on a new switchblade spring for this! Yeah, I mean its always good to have a smooth action on your switchblade...but its like buying a new bathing suit for the beach, but then when you get to the ocean a Puerto Rican seagull shoots you in the stomach.

I mean, do you see where I'm coming from here? Am I making sense?

Y'know what? Apology NOT accepted. Talk to me later when I cool down. Right now I honestly don't even want to see you Carlos.

Just Headlines!!!

Crime Boss Impressed -Not Angry- That Kid Stood Up For Self. Baffles Contemporarys















Fashion:
How Old Is Being Too Old?


















Ex Navy Seal Actually Does Like To Talk About It All That Much



















Music Playing On Myspace Page Not Muted By Viewer.
Internet Thrown Into Brief Panic.

German Tourist Traveling Alone Wants to Join Local Conversation

Mcglynn’s Pub, New York NY-
Guenther Spiegel, a 32-year-old German citizen, has been backpacking across America for the last 3 months. Like many German Tourists he is traveling alone and is, once again, eager for some local human interaction.

“Hahaha, you a liar!” He playfully interjected to a nearby conversation.
Attempting to clarify his point he continued, “You a liar that you don’t ever watch TV! Hahaha?”

“Yeah, you got me. I sometimes do watch TV.” Admitted a young man before turning back to continue his private conversation.

“You two are from New York?” Guenther asked, sliding in between the young man and woman.
Upon learning that the couple were actually from New Jersey Guenther’s face lit up.

“Hahaha?” Guenther asked.

“…Yeah, that’s…haha. New Jersey,” The young man agreed before taking a long sip of his drink.

Guenther’s proactive conversational abilities have steadily improved as he has continued his travels.
“At first, I felt uncomfortable, trying to strike up conversations with strangers. So now I join conversations that are already happening. Is more easier!”

“I’ve met all kinds of people this way. Ive met people who come to a bar often, and people who don’t. I’ve met people who were on dates with each other. I’ve met people who are uncomfortable speaking while at a urinal. I’ve even met people who say they never watch TV, but then admit that they do!”

“Everybody loves somebody they doesn’t know,” Guenther explained before leaning into the background of a photo being taken of a bachelorette party and flashing the peace sign.

“You have a cell phone?” He asked a nearby woman dialing her cell phone.

“Yeah, I do” she admitted.

Finally satisfied he had absorbed enough human interaction Guenter decided to call it a night.
“Time to ride the subway and stare at the map for a very long time.”

I want a Donald Trump feud!

Why should Mark Cuban and Rosie O’Donnell get all the publicity for feuding with “The Don”? If anything they need less publicity because they are so fucking fat. Am I right?

I’d start the feud out by writing “The Don” a scathing letter by way of the New York Post.

“Dear The Don,
I would call you ‘overrated’, but I don’t think anyone takes you seriously enough to even warrant any sort of a rating. Now you may say, ‘Well, fuck you Lucas! You a loser [sic]. I am a successful [sic]. That’s right, a successful [sic]! And I have a TV show on television. What do you do you [sic] besides are a loser [sic]?”

Then, to beat him to the punch, I’d write another letter, ripping apart his hypothetical retort:

“Fuck me? No no no…Seriously? Fuck YOU, The Don.
‘am a successful’? ‘besides are a loser’? Haha, learn to write you dummy!
You have a TV show? Pfft! You know who else had a TV show? Anna Nicole Smith and also Adolph Hitler. That’s some nice company you keep, you weird looking WASP who I want to neck-punch in the throat so bad!”

After realizing that it’s illegal to physically threaten someone, I would back-peddle:

“Dear The Con,
WTF!?! I didn’t mean that as a threat, I was just talking in a hypothetical motion. I’m surprised you couldn’t understand that. I keep hearing these rumors on the street that ‘Lucas is going to find The Don (AKA The Con) and slap his face till he seriously damages his own hand.’ If anything, that’s a threat against me! I’m a comedian so my hand is my livelihood (funny middle finger gestures etc). This letter officially sues you!”

After realizing that suing someone is a more complicated process than declaring it so in a letter, I would declare the feud over (which you can do in a letter) and go back to my normal life a wiser and fatter man.

A Visit To The South Bronx’s Last Remaining Farm

"The kids these days, they don’t respect boundary demarcations like they used to."












Martin Freihoffer’s family has been farming this plot of land, just south of Eugenio Maria de Hostos Blvd, since the 17th century when they arrived from Holland. Over the years it has dwindled from about 100 acres, to its present size of just under a half acre.

“This land is part of who I am," said Freihoffer, "I would never sell it to developers. Why, just the other day, some fat cat made me a hefty offer cuz he wanted to put up some sort of rapist museum! Can you believe that?”

The museum in question was actually a rap museum and the “fat cat”, none other than local Bronx celebrity developer, Sal “The Developer” Blattery!

“I’ve developed all sorts of stuff in the South Bronx, so trust me, that old coot is sitting on a gold mine.” Said Blattery

“He thought I wanted to put up a rapist museum? Wow…well that explains his righteous indignation. I mean, i thought there may have been a misunderstanding when he spit on my award winning mustache."

Blattery (Image courtesy Face-Forest Magazine)


Friehoffer is worried he may not have the willpower to hold out for much longer.

“To tell you the truth I don’t know if the community even wants me here. People rarely show up for hay rides anymore. I harvest more condom wrappers than I do cabbage. The kids these days, they don’t respect boundary demarcations like they used to. When I was young, you can be damn sure a 3 foot stacked stone wall meant something!”

Sometimes, a sense of humor helps when dealing with the ever-present trespassing and littering.

“Ever see a chicken peck at a discarded chicken wing? Heehee…I sure have! Ever see a duck get its bill blown off by a loaded .45 hidden in the barley? Heehee…I also sure have too that also too![sic]”

Whether you’re looking to pick your own pumpkins, feed some chickens or just searching for someplace green in which to defecate, Freihoffer’s Farm is sure to please!