New Blog Policies:

1. As of today, this is a pay-to-view blog. Each viewing automatically deducts $3 from your account.
PS: check back often to see if I put up a new post. I wont have, but you never know!

2. No more than 37 comments allowed PER POST, so get on that board EARLY!

3. Our new motto: "The customer is always white"
In other words, treat EVERYONE as though they were a white. Its just good business!

4. NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR LIBEL. Especially when it's against POSSIBLE RAPIST, SILVIO BLORSHTMAN OF MUNGER FALLS OHIO!!!

5. Every blog now comes with the Apology Guarantee tm.

6. Blog employee daycare service to be replaced with a lack of one.

New Sex Study: Sex-Study Sex Fantastic.

A new sex study, released today by the Parrington institute, finds that sex, had as part of a sex study, is "fantastic", with only 37% of the subjects reporting their sex study sex as frightening and/or unpleasant. A whopping 63% reported enjoying the sex study sex.
Sex. Sex study sex sex sex.

How to Relax When Asking your Boss What’s His Race

Hi, OK. So the time has finally come. You’ve gotten up the nerve and you’re ready to go for the gusto of: “just what the heck race is my boss anyway!?!” Don’t worry; we’ve all been there. It’s a hassle, but hey, this is the most important thing in the world- best to do it right.





Step 1: Show up early to work. Very early. Be there, waiting in the dark when your boss turns on the lights.
Step 2: Lighten the mood with a joke. Perhaps a joke about early birds and the types of things they eat.
Step 3: After the laughter has died down, turn the subject of the conversation to what race is your boss.
Step 4: Keep your cool as he answers.
Step 5: Become pleasantly surprised. Congratulate him on his race’s specific accomplishments. Excuse yourself to the breakroom to “get your head together”.
Step 6: Sip some Lemon Zinger tea and feel good about what you’ve accomplished regarding knowing and race. Things are looking up for you at this company and that scares the shit out of people!

Succinct Character: The Non-Traveling Salesman

Yawn...Morning Honey- feel like placing an order today?...
No? Alright, no pressure. Have a good day at work! Zzzzzzzzzz.

If Victoria’s “secret” is that she likes selling underwear,

then I’ve got news for Victoria: Secret’s out, BITCH!!!

Lets meet at the gazebo in the center of town for hot cocoa & to get kicked in the balls!

Dear neighbors,

It’s that time of year again! The cheer of the season is upon us, and it is once again time for the annual, Hot Cocoa and Getting Kicked in the Balls Social at the gazebo. Please bring a baked item (no nuts) and your unpadded genitalia (ladies' vaginas also welcome). Cocoa and earth shattering kicks in the balls will be provided. Awards will be given out for the most gingery cookies and for the most insane kick to the balls endured by an individual over 55.

Women don't faint anymore

They used to faint at the drop of a hat. But these days you've gotta really do your homework to make a woman faint.








In the 50's you could make a woman faint with just a frog.

"get a load a THIS!"

–ribbit-

"Ooooah!"
Swoon.
Faint.
"Zzzzz..."





DONE.

But today, to actually MAKE a woman FAINT, you'd have to like- pretty much- strangle her for a little while- which is as least twice as illegal as scaring her with a slimy frog.

SO THERE GOES MY SUMMER VACATION!!! AGAGAGOOOGEY!!!!!

Capote Support Group

Capote Support Group - watch more funny videos

New Study: Fuck You

Chicago, IL
According to a new study carried out by the Brilling Institute in conjunction with Medicorp & Omnitech, fuck you.
Still, some skeptics doubt the accuracy of the findings, citing the fact that many of the scientists involved in the study were pieces of shit.

Dear Schenectady Teen Magazine,

First of all I love your magazine. It's the only magazine that really speaks to the kind of teen I am: one who lives in Schenectady, New York.
OK so, back to my questi: my sweet 16 party is scheduled for December 12th. But after checking the Dept of Public Works website, I noticed there is scheduled construction on State Rt 104 on that date. I'm worried because the party is taking place at the Gifted Dinner Roll, WHICH IS ON RT 104! Will the scheduled construction affect stuff?
Also, my dog needs a sex change operation. Is there a place that will do that for dogs in Sche Town?

Sincerely,
Teen With 2 Questions In Schenectady


Dear T.W.2.Q.I.S.
The construction scheduled for Rt 104 on the 12th should only slow traffic, not cut it off completely. There will still be one lane open. Kinda lame, I know, but whatevs. At least its not like what's been going on with Cyahuga Blvd! WTF!

In response to your other question, I don't believe Schenectady currently has a veterinary sex change hospital. Your best bet is Utica.

50's Style Anthropomorphic Animal-With-Musical-Ability Type Song

(spoken)
Step aside, Rockin Robin.
Move over, The Crocodile Rock.
Cuz there's a new boogie in town…
A one two three four!

(guitar intro 8 beats)

(sung)
Everybody in the zoo has got that feelin goin on!

(backup singers)
Musical animal! Musically gifted animal!

When the sun goes down they gunna really rock until the dawn!

(backup singers)
Musical animal! Musically gifted animal!

The zookeeper says "shush"
But then he faints
when he realizes the significance of what he's seein'
Musical animallllllll!

Hi, welcome to this conversation! Let me show you around.

This is the introduction…This is where we give our names and a brief synopsis of what we’re about.

And this is the part where I ask what school you attended. This was actually based on a design by Frank Lloyd Wright, where he asked someone what architecture school they attended………………That was the awkward pause…

Oh, now this part you’ll love. This is the part of the conversation where I pay you a compliment I don’t really mean. Nice eyebrows!

And finally here’s my favorite part of the conversation. The wrap up. This is where I like to have my morning coffee. Nice, huh? Yeah...
Well cool! It was nice meeting you!
Take care.

...But...wont that like...break it's jaw?

Oh well. You're the boss, sign.

Kiss the curb, Barkley.

STOMP!



Well...I was right.

Grandparents week-and-a-half continues with: LAP ENVY

Yeah, thats right. I have a 37" lap. Its not a big deal or nothin, but...heh heh...my grandkids aint complainin!


trust me...there's room.












Other grandparents be jealous of what i got but I'm just like, "Pfft! I don't give a shit! i didn't ASK to have this gigantic lap, BITCH!"

Some people take one look at my lap and they're like, "you, Mr Magillicuddy, are God's gift to lapsitters." Well let me tell ya...there's more to grandparenting than laps...but, once youve had a story read to you on a Cadillap...why would you ever go back, BITCH!?!

How to Relax When Screaming at your Grandparents

The day is finally here when you've decided to stop putting up with the bullshit of your grandparents and…surprise surprise, you're nervous!
BUT- you don't have to be bucause [sic] keep reading!

Step one: close your eyes. Don't get bogged down in greetings or kisses, you've got some screaming at them to do.

Step two: bend your knees, relax your hands then start screaming at both of your grandparents.

Step three: finish up your snarling, foaming-at-the-mouth verbal attack on your grandma. Count to three in your head. Eat a tablespoon of honey. Now tear apart your grandpa with your very loud angry words.

Step four: if you're still tense about screaming at those grandparents, try laying down on the ground or on a table. Guess what? They can still hear you shrieking at them, and its much more comfortable for you!

Look, no one said screaming at your grandparents was going to be easy. If it was, everybody would do it sometimes. But you made the decision no more bullshit. And for that you should be proud. And being proud is scientifically a type of relax. So CONGRAGULATIONS[sic]!

Also see: How To Relax When Punching

EXCLUSIVE NEWS HEADLINE: Maya Angelou Loses Bar Fight

Woodside, NY
Celebrated poet Maya Angelou is in stable condition after engaging in an epic 17-minute bar fight Monday evening. The brawl, which began at PJ McSwaggerty’s Bar/Pub moved out into the street, and ended in a grocery store, nearly a quarter mile away.

Witness, Stan Martin says Angelou “had been mouthing off all night. You could tell she was drunk & looking for trouble.”

Ms Angelou found the trouble she was looking for in the form of retired firefighter Frank “The Punching Expert” Voltagio.

Martin recalls, “Angelou, goes up to Frank and basically starts cursing him out. Calling him ‘a faggot’ and whatnot. Frank says to her, ‘why don’t you sit down before you hurt yourself?’ I guess that really pissed her off, cuz she popped him one! You could hear everyone in the bar suck wind, like as if to say ‘oh no, we’re about to see celebrated poet Maya Angelou get VERY badly beaten here’.”

As it turns out, the patrons were justified in their fears. Vultagio, using his superior size, strength, speed, fighting experience, and unusually jagged knuckle structure, quickly dominated the fight. However, witnesses say Angelou refused to give up easily.

“You ever see the movie Cool Hand Luke?” asks witness Gordon Marsh. “How Wayne Newton [sic] refuses to give up, even though he’s getting punched in the face A LOT? It was like that, only even crazier.”

The rumble soon moved out into the street. At this point Voltagio managed to grab the celebrated poet by her ankles. He swung her around to build momentum, then let go, sending her flying into the brick façade of a Food Emporium.

The fight continued, through the automated doors, into the deli section of the grocery store. There it ended, as quickly as it had begun, when, staggering to her feet after being knocked down yet again, Angelou’s legs finally gave out and she collapsed into a pile of celebrated poet.

“I aint never seen an old lady take that kind of punishment for that long,” Said deli worker and witness Sam Ammedi. “Now I know why the caged bird sings…cuz it’s got serious fuckin balls!”

“Where do I wanna have MY birthday party? SHUT UP TOWN!!!”

Give your kid a birthday party they will never forget at central California’s ONLY licensed shut up facility! Your child and up to 30 of their friends will have a blast, running, playing and being told to shut up by our certified child shut up technicians.

After free play shut up, PIZZA is served by an authentic pizza chef who will tell everyone to shut up.

Forgot to bring your own cake? No problem. Shut Up Town has 3 flavors of cake to choose from. Our friendly shut up technicions will tell everyone to shut up, then sing "happy birthday" peppered with TONS of demands for everyone to SHUT UP!!!

Shut Up Town

Go ahead and ignore us. We’ll keep telling everyone to shut up- GUARANTEED

PLEASE DO NOT MASTURBATE YOUR DOG ON MY LAWN!

Dear Neighbor,
I wish it wasn't necessary for me to post this sign, but apparently it is. Whoever has been masturbating their large-breed dog on my lawn PLEASE STOP! It is inconsiderate and it is KILLING my lawn!










I don't masturbate my iguanas on your property! In fact, I don't
masturbate my iguanas at all. Maybe you should consider not
masturbating your gigantic dog anymore- PERIOD.

Attention Foodies: Hi.

Hi fellow foodies. If you like food and know more about it than anyone else at the table, every time, then you might be a foodie. Just like me! Hi!!!

If you're NOT a foodie, let me explain what being a foodie is about. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I, as a foodie, am able to enjoy food in ways that if a non-foodie (our nickname for you people is "pieces of shit") were to experience, it would send him/her into a spiral of madness resulting in PERMANENT INSANITY. But to me, its just another day at a church.

Church?

That's right church. Rustic Italian food is my God. 3 bean soup with a dollop of homemade goat cheese is my St Jesus. Very good, medium priced wine is my The Three Wise Men. Betcha didn't know that about foodies. Perhaps you pieces of shits should stop assuming you know EVERYTHING so I can go back to talking loudly about how duck fat is the most baroque fat.

A very sarcastic "thanks",

Rudy The Foodie


PS: YEAH OBAMA!!!!! (non sarcastic)

History's Least Popular Presidential Campaign Slogans

"Change me, America!"
-Bernie Babyman Campaign

"TOGETHER, We Can Brutalize Poverty"
-Hillel Z. Magnumfuck Campaign

"A Live, Uncooked, Cackling Chicken in EVERY Lunchpale, for Some Reason"
-William Werver Campaign

"Helping America Shut The Fuck Up"
-Phillip Roosevelt Campaign

"Tippytapoo and Tyler Canoe TooTOO!"
-Wavy Davy Campaign

"PUT THAT (me) IN YOUR PIPE (voting booth) AND SMOKE (vote for) IT (me)!"
-Hubert Herver Campaign

"No!"
-Brennis Gordon Campaign

"In God we Thrust"
-Sexfuck W. Buttchrist Campaign

"I like Kike"
-Francis Kiker Campaign

"Vote for me and I will munch your box for a solid hour"
-Diego Ortega campaign

"Country First. Dealing With My Prostate Problems a DISTANT Second."
-Daniel Brashigan campaign

"I am Going To Kill Myself, GUARANTEED!"
-Paul Westerfield Campaign

Fun ways to make REM songs more Halloweeny

"This one goes out to the one I MURDERED!"







"What's the frequency, THE MUMMY?"





"I was just uh…gardening at night, officer. Wait- no! Don't open that garbage bag!" (blow cop's brains out. widen grave for extra body).









"Follow me, don't follow me. I've got my spine I've got my FRANKENSTEIN!"


"Bloody stabby people holding kniiiiiives..."

"How to Relax When Punching"

Someone recently reached this very website by googling the search term "how to relax when punching". They didn't stay long (under 1 second), which is probably because the answer to their question obviously didn't exist here…until now!


HOW TO RELAX WHEN PUNCHING

Step 1: Clear your head. Stop worrying about work. Forget about the kids. Right now, there's only this punch. Just you and the punch.

Step 2: Breath.

Step 3: As you wind up to punch, try picturing the person you're about to punch in their underwear! They look pretty silly don't they? Feel better? You're gunna do fine!

Step 4: Contact. This is the most crucial time of the punch in which to relax. I cannot stress this enough: CHILL OUT, otherwise you may mess up punching.

Step 5: Follow through. Congrats! The hard part is over with, though it is still important to remain relaxed. Try picturing the person you just punched in their underwear again. What a goof, huh?

Guess what? You're done! Punch complete. Don't you feel great? And hey, you didn't do half bad either! You stayed relaxed all through that punch and it showed! :)

The Adult who Argues with Children AND WINS.

-Are-are you done? Can I speak now? First of all, whales are mammals, and mammals don't 'lay eggs'. Secondly, I highly doubt this anomalous, egg laying, OCEANIC-mind you- oceanic whale managed to walk 75 miles from the nearest ocean beach and LAYED EGGS in the POND behind your house.

OK- stop- stop talking. Just stop talking. You are embarrassing yoursel - excuse me! Excuse me, I let you speak, now you let me sp-

Oh really?…And how am I "embawasing" MYself? Have I been ranting and raving like a lunatic? Have I been jumping and flapping my hands whenever I g-- excuse me sir, this is between me and your 6 year old daughter, thank you ver-Why am I waking up in a hospital bed? It seems like I just made a huge leap in time and place, pretty much instantaneously.

Ghost Report!

New weekly blog feature, where we investigate ghosts

This week, Ghost Report investigated a report of a ghost in an abandoned haunted house known as "Ghost House". In the early 20th century, Ghost House served as a haunted house for a ghost. Now abandoned, it is completely haunted WITH GHOSTS. An ironic end for a haunted house (Ghost House) if you ask me.

Summary:
Ghost house is a haunted house that is...h...y'know what? I didn’t go. You got me. I had a headache and a sore throat so I didn’t go.

Next Week's Ghost Report:
Y'know what? No more Ghost Report, huh? No More Ghost Report. Thats probably best. Scroll down for an apology













BOO!
jk omg

People who DESERVED it!

John F. Kennedy
Lacie Peterson
Nicole Brown Simpson
Ron Goldman


* "It", meaning justice. Not getting-murdered

Gourdon

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I figure I'll let you guys in on whats been going on. My gourd, Gourdon, was recently diagnosed with cancer. The first time I noticed something was wrong was when I first bought Gourdon and noticed he was covered in tumors.


I told myself it was nothing to worry about- that's just how gourds look, right?
Then a week later, there was blood in Gourdon's stool.
I took the day off work and brought him to the hospital.



After starting chemo, all of Gourdon's stem fell out. He's self conscious (Gourdon always was a ladies gourd) so I told him he looked just like Bruce Willis (but, lets be honest, he's more of a bald Edward James Olmos/F. Murray Abraham).











Last Sunday I woke up early to bring Gourdon to the Farmer's Market. He was cold to the touch. But that's normal for a gourd, so we went to the market and had a great time. Then the next morning I woke up early to take him in for radiation. This time he was mushy and rotten to the touch. He was gone.

You were a good friend Gourdon.
Whenever I see gourds, I'll think of you and smile.
And whenever I see cancer, I'll think of your cancer and frown.

Letter to My Favorte comedian

By Timmy Walsh
Ms Gurston's 3rd grade

Dear Mr Poundstone,
You are My favorit cmedian are a very funny man Paul Poundstone. I saw you on tv at my grandparent house when they let me stay up and watch tv. you have a very funny things to say about all kinds of things. Me and my older sister and even my granparents were laffing!

you wears business suite just like my dad. I wish my dad was funny like you tho! I bet you could beet up my dad. he has egsama AND sorayases. Will you marry my sister so you can be my big brother? her boyfrend died last yeer so don worry about him.

Your fan,

Timmy Walsh

PS: plees don't beet up my dad sir. Just a jok. Ok?