“Where do I wanna have MY birthday party? SHUT UP TOWN!!!”

Give your kid a birthday party they will never forget at central California’s ONLY licensed shut up facility! Your child and up to 30 of their friends will have a blast, running, playing and being told to shut up by our certified child shut up technicians.

After free play shut up, PIZZA is served by an authentic pizza chef who will tell everyone to shut up.

Forgot to bring your own cake? No problem. Shut Up Town has 3 flavors of cake to choose from. Our friendly shut up technicions will tell everyone to shut up, then sing "happy birthday" peppered with TONS of demands for everyone to SHUT UP!!!

Shut Up Town

Go ahead and ignore us. We’ll keep telling everyone to shut up- GUARANTEED

PLEASE DO NOT MASTURBATE YOUR DOG ON MY LAWN!

Dear Neighbor,
I wish it wasn't necessary for me to post this sign, but apparently it is. Whoever has been masturbating their large-breed dog on my lawn PLEASE STOP! It is inconsiderate and it is KILLING my lawn!










I don't masturbate my iguanas on your property! In fact, I don't
masturbate my iguanas at all. Maybe you should consider not
masturbating your gigantic dog anymore- PERIOD.

Attention Foodies: Hi.

Hi fellow foodies. If you like food and know more about it than anyone else at the table, every time, then you might be a foodie. Just like me! Hi!!!

If you're NOT a foodie, let me explain what being a foodie is about. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I, as a foodie, am able to enjoy food in ways that if a non-foodie (our nickname for you people is "pieces of shit") were to experience, it would send him/her into a spiral of madness resulting in PERMANENT INSANITY. But to me, its just another day at a church.

Church?

That's right church. Rustic Italian food is my God. 3 bean soup with a dollop of homemade goat cheese is my St Jesus. Very good, medium priced wine is my The Three Wise Men. Betcha didn't know that about foodies. Perhaps you pieces of shits should stop assuming you know EVERYTHING so I can go back to talking loudly about how duck fat is the most baroque fat.

A very sarcastic "thanks",

Rudy The Foodie


PS: YEAH OBAMA!!!!! (non sarcastic)

History's Least Popular Presidential Campaign Slogans

"Change me, America!"
-Bernie Babyman Campaign

"TOGETHER, We Can Brutalize Poverty"
-Hillel Z. Magnumfuck Campaign

"A Live, Uncooked, Cackling Chicken in EVERY Lunchpale, for Some Reason"
-William Werver Campaign

"Helping America Shut The Fuck Up"
-Phillip Roosevelt Campaign

"Tippytapoo and Tyler Canoe TooTOO!"
-Wavy Davy Campaign

"PUT THAT (me) IN YOUR PIPE (voting booth) AND SMOKE (vote for) IT (me)!"
-Hubert Herver Campaign

"No!"
-Brennis Gordon Campaign

"In God we Thrust"
-Sexfuck W. Buttchrist Campaign

"I like Kike"
-Francis Kiker Campaign

"Vote for me and I will munch your box for a solid hour"
-Diego Ortega campaign

"Country First. Dealing With My Prostate Problems a DISTANT Second."
-Daniel Brashigan campaign

"I am Going To Kill Myself, GUARANTEED!"
-Paul Westerfield Campaign

Fun ways to make REM songs more Halloweeny

"This one goes out to the one I MURDERED!"







"What's the frequency, THE MUMMY?"





"I was just uh…gardening at night, officer. Wait- no! Don't open that garbage bag!" (blow cop's brains out. widen grave for extra body).









"Follow me, don't follow me. I've got my spine I've got my FRANKENSTEIN!"


"Bloody stabby people holding kniiiiiives..."

"How to Relax When Punching"

Someone recently reached this very website by googling the search term "how to relax when punching". They didn't stay long (under 1 second), which is probably because the answer to their question obviously didn't exist here…until now!


HOW TO RELAX WHEN PUNCHING

Step 1: Clear your head. Stop worrying about work. Forget about the kids. Right now, there's only this punch. Just you and the punch.

Step 2: Breath.

Step 3: As you wind up to punch, try picturing the person you're about to punch in their underwear! They look pretty silly don't they? Feel better? You're gunna do fine!

Step 4: Contact. This is the most crucial time of the punch in which to relax. I cannot stress this enough: CHILL OUT, otherwise you may mess up punching.

Step 5: Follow through. Congrats! The hard part is over with, though it is still important to remain relaxed. Try picturing the person you just punched in their underwear again. What a goof, huh?

Guess what? You're done! Punch complete. Don't you feel great? And hey, you didn't do half bad either! You stayed relaxed all through that punch and it showed! :)

The Adult who Argues with Children AND WINS.

-Are-are you done? Can I speak now? First of all, whales are mammals, and mammals don't 'lay eggs'. Secondly, I highly doubt this anomalous, egg laying, OCEANIC-mind you- oceanic whale managed to walk 75 miles from the nearest ocean beach and LAYED EGGS in the POND behind your house.

OK- stop- stop talking. Just stop talking. You are embarrassing yoursel - excuse me! Excuse me, I let you speak, now you let me sp-

Oh really?…And how am I "embawasing" MYself? Have I been ranting and raving like a lunatic? Have I been jumping and flapping my hands whenever I g-- excuse me sir, this is between me and your 6 year old daughter, thank you ver-Why am I waking up in a hospital bed? It seems like I just made a huge leap in time and place, pretty much instantaneously.

Ghost Report!

New weekly blog feature, where we investigate ghosts

This week, Ghost Report investigated a report of a ghost in an abandoned haunted house known as "Ghost House". In the early 20th century, Ghost House served as a haunted house for a ghost. Now abandoned, it is completely haunted WITH GHOSTS. An ironic end for a haunted house (Ghost House) if you ask me.

Summary:
Ghost house is a haunted house that is...h...y'know what? I didn’t go. You got me. I had a headache and a sore throat so I didn’t go.

Next Week's Ghost Report:
Y'know what? No more Ghost Report, huh? No More Ghost Report. Thats probably best. Scroll down for an apology













BOO!
jk omg

People who DESERVED it!

John F. Kennedy
Lacie Peterson
Nicole Brown Simpson
Ron Goldman


* "It", meaning justice. Not getting-murdered

Gourdon

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I figure I'll let you guys in on whats been going on. My gourd, Gourdon, was recently diagnosed with cancer. The first time I noticed something was wrong was when I first bought Gourdon and noticed he was covered in tumors.


I told myself it was nothing to worry about- that's just how gourds look, right?
Then a week later, there was blood in Gourdon's stool.
I took the day off work and brought him to the hospital.



After starting chemo, all of Gourdon's stem fell out. He's self conscious (Gourdon always was a ladies gourd) so I told him he looked just like Bruce Willis (but, lets be honest, he's more of a bald Edward James Olmos/F. Murray Abraham).











Last Sunday I woke up early to bring Gourdon to the Farmer's Market. He was cold to the touch. But that's normal for a gourd, so we went to the market and had a great time. Then the next morning I woke up early to take him in for radiation. This time he was mushy and rotten to the touch. He was gone.

You were a good friend Gourdon.
Whenever I see gourds, I'll think of you and smile.
And whenever I see cancer, I'll think of your cancer and frown.

Letter to My Favorte comedian

By Timmy Walsh
Ms Gurston's 3rd grade

Dear Mr Poundstone,
You are My favorit cmedian are a very funny man Paul Poundstone. I saw you on tv at my grandparent house when they let me stay up and watch tv. you have a very funny things to say about all kinds of things. Me and my older sister and even my granparents were laffing!

you wears business suite just like my dad. I wish my dad was funny like you tho! I bet you could beet up my dad. he has egsama AND sorayases. Will you marry my sister so you can be my big brother? her boyfrend died last yeer so don worry about him.

Your fan,

Timmy Walsh

PS: plees don't beet up my dad sir. Just a jok. Ok?

Exclusive News Headline: Dustin Diamond PARALYZED During Stunt to Save his Mazda

Madison, WI
As part of his latest guerrilla fund-drive, this time to save his beloved Mazda 626, Dustin Diamond attempted to jump "super" high in the air, from a standing position, several times.


The small crowd that gathered in St. Marion Park to witness the stunt was impressed when Mr. Diamond completed his first jump.


"He jumped pretty high. He could probably get rim on a basketball hoop, no problem" Said one man who wished to remain anonymous because he gave a fake joke name.
"But his second jump…something went wrong. I think he got paralyzed."

EMT's who were present for the stunt said Mr. Diamond attempted to loop his arms, under his raised legs, mid jump, in a sort of "human jump rope" maneuver. However, he was unable to complete the dangerous & complicated move in time, and the crowd watched in horror as Diamond fell to his paralysis.

"He landed on his neck…That sound…The only way I can describe it is
it sounded almost like a series of bones and nerves getting damaged," Said witness, Danny Aiello.

Diamond was declared paralyzed at a small ceremony surrounded by friends and family.


Related News Headlines
Billy Joel MURDERS Art Garfunkel

Pun-based improv group names for sale!

I write and sell punny improv group names. $20 a piece or highest
bidder (highest on drugs).

The Del Too Close For Comforts
Timprovothy Leary
M. Night Shyamalongformimprov
The Monoscentheists
Home Improvment
The Presidents of the United States of Ameriprov
Only The Good Diarrhea Youngpeopleloveimprov

(bargain bin)
The Pepto Bismarks
Miami Davis Jr.
Sammy Davis Vice
The sword in the scone
The Marcia Gaye Improv-is-hard-ens

OP ED from the Archive, 1841:

America Is ADDICTED To Foreign Opium!
By Mitchell Jefferies Jr.

America runs on opium. Love it or hate it (I LOVE it), this is just a simple fact. From the carriages we drive to the mills we operate, everywhere is a good location in which to smoke opium.

However, reliance on foreign opium has left us vulnerable to the whims of the orient. And if you’ve ever tried not constantly smoking opium, you know how every inch of your being throbs with malaise. Simply switching to hashish or pilfering the children’s morning brandy is obviously not an option. So what are these United States of this America to do?

I propose a pragmatic 3-step plan: First, we burn the Irish. Then to take their place, we import Chinapeople. Once the Chinapeople enter their winter hibernation, we simply massage their opium glands, harvesting their precious byproduct. It’s like killing two million passenger pigeons with one stone (which, by the way, everyone should try at least once. Highly killable birds. Highly killable).

1841-ly Yours,

Mitchell Jefferies Jr.

OPINIONS: None of Yo Business!

By Scrimpscrimp Barlayjanay

Dear The Editor,

Ok first off, I been drinking Bombay Sapphire ALL DAY, so you need to CHANGE YO DISPOSITION. Understand? Secondly it aint none of yo business what I be do. And this is why I writing to you today.

People be asking me, “Scrimpscrimp, why you be do that?” and I be tryin to tell them, “None of yo business!” but they don’t even want to hear it. This is an issue of the community!

Now some people be getting at my fambly. They say, “all you Barlayjanays be drinkin Bombay Sapphire all day. That aint no way t’make the day.”
Now when it comes down to things, is that any of anybody’s business? I beg to disagree.

Dear The Editor yours,

Scrimpscrimp Barlayjanay
The None-of-yo-business KING of America, BITCH!

Hey Vermont, enough with the maple syrup already!

We get it, alright? We fucking get it.
Let's have a look at the FACTS about Vermont:


FACT: Fall color is 100% BULLSHIT
FACT: Vermont was NOT one of the original 13 colonies.
FACT: Vermont has yet to outlaw wasting food.
FACT: Vermont leads the nation in hayride deaths.
FACT: Vermont remains “The Green Mountain State” despite their shrill insistence to the contrary.
FACT: Vermont’s capitol city is one of America’s most evil capitol cities.
FACT: Cannibalism was commonplace on the island of New Guinea in the early 19th century and Vermont is ALSO terrible.

Improvised Prank Phone Call

I just completed a level 601 prank telephoning class at the Chi Chi Ramirez School of Improv Gigglers. Here’s the transcript of my thesis prank on an unsuspecting sucker:

SUCKER: Hello?
ME: Hi, how are you?
SUCKER: I’m OK, who’s this?
ME: It’s uh…what’s it called…
SUCKER: Sorry?
ME: What?
SUCKER: I said, “sorry?”
ME: Um…for what?
SUCKER: …Who is calling please?
ME: Oh right! It’s uh, what’s it called? It’s this guy-It’s this nebbish calling.
SUCKER: Who?
ME: Y’know, this nebbishy…or y’know what? Scratch that. I’m this Middle Eastern taxi fellow…but my name is like, an American one! Haha?
SUCKER: I…don’t understand.
ME: You- hmm………………….I’ll call you back later.
SUCKER: OK.

(5 minutes later)

SUCKER: Hello?
ME: Stanley, my name is Stanley….
SUCKER: (silent)
ME: But I’m like, Arabian.
SUCKER: (soft breathing)
ME: Ahahaha, gotcha! You’ve been prank telephoned, asshole.
SUCKER: OK. Is that it?
ME: Mmm, yeah that’s- oh wait! I almost forgot, I’m gunna kidnap your children!
SUCKER: What?!
ME: Yeah, I’m gunna kidnap your children, Clarissa and Brian, right? I’m gunna kidnap them.
SUCKER: That’s not funny. Kidnapping isn’t funny.
ME: …What about a whoopee cushion just for queefs? Is that funny?
SUCKER: I dunno. A little.
ME: OK, so we’ll go with that instead.
SUCKER: Leave my children alone.
ME: Yessir. Take care now.

Recession-Proof Investments

Rope. People will always need to kill themselves.







Tyler Perry. When America hits on hard times, we turn to the comfort of terrible movies. It’s as American as apple pie flavored Vitamin Water chips.










The polar bear funeral industry is BOOMING. Look for exponential growth.




















Cutups. Look for cutups and wiseacres to make huge strides in the depressing days ahead. Their joke-comments and laugh-riddles will be in extra high demand.

My Prize Winning Heirloom Tomatoes

"The Beflummoxed Southern Colonel"

My BSC's came in early this year, which is something we in the tomato world call "knapsacking" or "halfshafting".





"Grand Ol' Stinker"













To the untrained eye, this 'mato would appear bruised & rotten. But we Tomaniacs know better.





"The Arkansas Beefmeat"

Looks like your average tomato, but tastes like 100 dollars!









"The Hiding Jew"












"Delaware Lymph Node"











"The Salad Shadow"


Some of my best tomatoes are black.











"Shemp's Delight"

Now THIS is a fun tomato!










"Hedgeman's False Potato Tomato"


Truly a tomato in potato's clothing. This is my second favorite tomato for tricking people with!






"Oregon Exploder"

...and this is my first favorite!

Whispering Man Takes Too Long Getting to Point.

Gleesborough, OH
Saturday
A Gleesborough man, whispering some confidential information into a friend’s ear, took too much time getting to the point, causing the friend to become uncomfortable. Transcript below:

(whisperer leans in close to victim’s ear)
“Hey, holy crap! That’s uh….whats it called…(9 second pause)…uhhbuhbuhbuh…whats it called?…pshewwwwww….oh man, whachamacallit….(35 second breathy pause).”

Despite the victim's attempts to lean away, the whisperer managed to maintain the level of mouth to ear proximity for almost 2 minutes.

EMTs were called to the scene but they were unable to revive the victim, who later died and is now paralyzed. The whisperer is being held without bail because he wasnt arrested...HE WAS KIDNAPPED!

If I had an office, I’d throw people out of it like so:

1. Get the Christ out of my office ya doodlebug!

2. GASP! You’ll ruin your dinner!!! Out-out-out!

3. No shit Sherlock. Now GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE SHERLOCK!

4. Time’s up bitch! Now get out, otherwise…PAINTBALLS!!! (begin firing paintballs gun)

5. Let me stop you right there and tell you to leave now.

6. (thunderous belch while pointing way out door)

7. I’m gunna write a number on a piece of paper and you tell me what you think, OK? (Write “get the fuck out of my office-hundered”)

Movie pitches

Going to LA to give some pitches. Here’s the game plan:

Alright, sit down. Shut up & listen you goddamn movie executives. Because life’s a PITCH…and then you die (mime gunshot at each exec’s face. Now I have their undivided.)













Ghost Babies
Think Baby Geniuses meets A Cry In The Dark.
A young couple’s baby dies but then they are surprised to find out their baby comes back as a, you guessed it, baby ghost (ghost baby)! Could have a funny scene where parents get to finally sleep in after funeral, then suddenly “WAAAAH!” Oh brother!

Ghost Baby gets into all sorts of trouble style mischief until the grumpy neighbor decides to call an exorcist. Ghost baby and all the other baby ghosts from the neighborhood have to get together and work together so they can do it.


The Unbearable Lightness of Being White
Documentary on how hard it is to be white in today’s reverse racism society. Reverse klan. Reverse stereotypes. Reverse slavery (freedom). The list goes on. Will be documentary so script not necessary!


Spike Lee’s The Original Kings Of Shut Up
We get spike lee to write and direct movie about a group of famous people who are always going “shut up!” in a million different ways. Different situations. Different settings, but always SHUT UP!
(wait for exec to say something)
SHUT UP!!! Haha, see? This is the nature of the beast.


The Nature of the Beast
Just thought of this one. Maybe The Beast could be played by Chris Farley’s fat alive brother.

The Filthy Mouthed Naturalist

Salutations cunts,

“Harbor seals! Fucking harbor seals,” I verbally jismed, startling the other ferryboat passengers.
“Oh shit! Two of them! There’s two! Jesus Christ, that one just made diarrhea! Holy dead-baby that is amazing!!!”

Haha. Perhaps I embarrassed myself, but hey, harbor seals are FUN, you n***er! :)









This is a great time of year to spot these curious little faggots swimming, rubbing their pussies and feeding on the ocean’s bountiful fuckbucket. But to see one spraying diarrhea all over the place was a truly fucked up experience that I will treasure for motherfucking satanchrist ever.

Keep fucking nature in the ass

Regibald Q. Parsnidge
The Filthy Mouthed Naturalist

Weird Al Phones It In (part 2)

HAMMY BOY
(To tune of Traditional "Danny Boy")

Oh hammy boy
The hams the hams are in the fridge
They’re yum yum good
for making sandwiches out of












GOOD LIBATIONS
(To tune of Marky Mark's "Good Vibrations")

Its just-a good libationnn!
-Huh! Sip it! Sip it!-
Its just-a sweeeeeeet sensatioooonnnn!
-Sip the libation!-




DELI DELI MY DARLING
(To tune of The Misfits' "Die Die My Darling")

Deli deli deli my darling
Don’t cure a single salami
Deli deli deli my darling
Just get me some pastrami
I’ll be seeing you again
I’ll be seeing you…in Hell.

Japanese Punching-Scientists Punch Pregnant Whale for Science

Monday, August 25
Top Japanese punching scientists are conducting research on a pregnant whale caught off the coast of Antarctica.

"You'd be surprised how little the scientific community actually knows about how pregnant whales respond to getting punched," Said Dr. Yuko Fushi, in between scientific punches and carefully thought out open palm slaps.

"its too early to draw conclusions," Added Dr. Ishi Yanewa, before dropping his pen into the whale's open blow hole for emphasis.

Edgar Allan Poop: The Thinking Man’s Toilet Comic

Greetings Buffalo New York. Greetings.

Perchance a query
on this evening dark and dreary.

Imagine if one were to have diarrhea AND constipation at the same time? I believe such a scenario would unfold…a little bit…like this:

(Pretends to pull knickerbockers down. Grunts and strains for several moments. Suddenly, a diarrhea sound effect.)

‘Ye Gads! What a morbid surprise! Had I known this liquid Hell were my destiny I surely would have put less effort forth into arriving here!’

Quoth the anus, "Flbthbthblpbpbfffffpt!!!"

ANOTHER BOOK IDEA TO SEND TO PUBLISHY:

“From The Neighborhood”
A Ginzo Goomba’s Guide to Being from the Neighborhood
By Tony Italiani (pen name so I can have a right to talk about neighborhoods)

OK, wow. Hi. OK publisher. So I safe to say you didn’t piblush my Party Tips for Black People book because you never wrote back and I haven’t seen it in book stores and I didn’t get a money check but this next book is even better because it is great I had the idea while reading that Sopranos guy’s book A Goomba’s Guide to Love











and it gave me the idea From The Neighborhood: A Ginzo Goomba’s Guide to Being From the Neighborhood so here goes.


Chapter 1: Love
This chapter will act as a goomba’s guide to love. Mama mia!

Chapter 2: growing up in the neighbohod.
Here I will bretend I am a Italian from the neighbohohd. I tell traditional stories about my mama mia’s cooking and my papa pia’s crime gang. Real tight nit comyunity. Funny stories all written in a Brookland accent!

Chafter 3: You know you’re from the neighborhood (sp?) if you…
-had an uncle
-are a Italian actor
-pronounce pizza without sounding out the z’s (“peeetsa”)
-are a murderer
-are murdered
-are a redneck (JK jeff fockswerthy is GOD (JK jesus is))

CHAPT 4: famous Italian Americans
-Leonardo Davinchio
-Whos The Boss
-Onlympia Ducockiss

Chaptor 5: Neighborhood Shmeiborhood (sp?)
This chapter will make fun of the neighborhood for fun. What’s with ‘the neighborhood’? What is that baloney? Huh?
It’ll make people laugh because they like to see the things they love get yelled at sometime.

Happy publishing!