Thursday, September 27, 2007

I want a Donald Trump feud!

Why should Mark Cuban and Rosie O’Donnell get all the publicity for feuding with “The Don”? If anything they need less publicity because they are so fucking fat. Am I right?

I’d start the feud out by writing “The Don” a scathing letter by way of the New York Post.

“Dear The Don,
I would call you ‘overrated’, but I don’t think anyone takes you seriously enough to even warrant any sort of a rating. Now you may say, ‘Well, fuck you Lucas! You a loser [sic]. I am a successful [sic]. That’s right, a successful [sic]! And I have a TV show on television. What do you do you [sic] besides are a loser [sic]?”

Then, to beat him to the punch, I’d write another letter, ripping apart his hypothetical retort:

“Fuck me? No no no…Seriously? Fuck YOU, The Don.
‘am a successful’? ‘besides are a loser’? Haha, learn to write you dummy!
You have a TV show? Pfft! You know who else had a TV show? Anna Nicole Smith and also Adolph Hitler. That’s some nice company you keep, you weird looking WASP who I want to neck-punch in the throat so bad!”

After realizing that it’s illegal to physically threaten someone, I would back-peddle:

“Dear The Con,
WTF!?! I didn’t mean that as a threat, I was just talking in a hypothetical motion. I’m surprised you couldn’t understand that. I keep hearing these rumors on the street that ‘Lucas is going to find The Don (AKA The Con) and slap his face till he seriously damages his own hand.’ If anything, that’s a threat against me! I’m a comedian so my hand is my livelihood (funny middle finger gestures etc). This letter officially sues you!”

After realizing that suing someone is a more complicated process than declaring it so in a letter, I would declare the feud over (which you can do in a letter) and go back to my normal life a wiser and fatter man.

Monday, September 17, 2007

A Visit To The South Bronx’s Last Remaining Farm

"The kids these days, they don’t respect boundary demarcations like they used to."

Martin Freihoffer’s family has been farming this plot of land, just south of Eugenio Maria de Hostos Blvd, since the 17th century when they arrived from Holland. Over the years it has dwindled from about 100 acres, to its present size of just under a half acre.

“This land is part of who I am," said Freihoffer, "I would never sell it to developers. Why, just the other day, some fat cat made me a hefty offer cuz he wanted to put up some sort of rapist museum! Can you believe that?”

The museum in question was actually a rap museum and the “fat cat”, none other than local Bronx celebrity developer, Sal “The Developer” Blattery!

“I’ve developed all sorts of stuff in the South Bronx, so trust me, that old coot is sitting on a gold mine.” Said Blattery

“He thought I wanted to put up a rapist museum? Wow…well that explains his righteous indignation. I mean, i thought there may have been a misunderstanding when he spit on my award winning mustache."

Blattery (Image courtesy Face-Forest Magazine)

Friehoffer is worried he may not have the willpower to hold out for much longer.

“To tell you the truth I don’t know if the community even wants me here. People rarely show up for hay rides anymore. I harvest more condom wrappers than I do cabbage. The kids these days, they don’t respect boundary demarcations like they used to. When I was young, you can be damn sure a 3 foot stacked stone wall meant something!”

Sometimes, a sense of humor helps when dealing with the ever-present trespassing and littering.
“Ever see a chicken peck at a discarded chicken wing? Heehee…I sure have! Ever see a duck get its bill blown off by a loaded .45 hidden in the barley? Heehee…I also sure have too that also too![sic]”

Whether you’re looking to pick your own pumpkins, feed some chickens or just searching for someplace green in which to defecate, Freihoffer’s Farm is sure to please!