Why should Mark Cuban and Rosie O’Donnell get all the publicity for feuding with “The Don”? If anything they need less publicity because they are so fucking fat. Am I right?
I’d start the feud out by writing “The Don” a scathing letter by way of the New York Post.
“Dear The Don,
I would call you ‘overrated’, but I don’t think anyone takes you seriously enough to even warrant any sort of a rating. Now you may say, ‘Well, fuck you Lucas! You a loser [sic]. I am a successful [sic]. That’s right, a successful [sic]! And I have a TV show on television. What do you do you [sic] besides are a loser [sic]?”
Then, to beat him to the punch, I’d write another letter, ripping apart his hypothetical retort:
“Fuck me? No no no…Seriously? Fuck YOU, The Don.
‘am a successful’? ‘besides are a loser’? Haha, learn to write you dummy!
You have a TV show? Pfft! You know who else had a TV show? Anna Nicole Smith and also Adolph Hitler. That’s some nice company you keep, you weird looking WASP who I want to neck-punch in the throat so bad!”
After realizing that it’s illegal to physically threaten someone, I would back-peddle:
“Dear The Con,
WTF!?! I didn’t mean that as a threat, I was just talking in a hypothetical motion. I’m surprised you couldn’t understand that. I keep hearing these rumors on the street that ‘Lucas is going to find The Don (AKA The Con) and slap his face till he seriously damages his own hand.’ If anything, that’s a threat against me! I’m a comedian so my hand is my livelihood (funny middle finger gestures etc). This letter officially sues you!”
After realizing that suing someone is a more complicated process than declaring it so in a letter, I would declare the feud over (which you can do in a letter) and go back to my normal life a wiser and fatter man.