Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I am going to murder your boredom!

And it’ll happen when you least expect it.
Maybe you’ll be drifting off to sleep then -BOOM- I shotgun your door off the hinges. Then me & the Naked Magazine girls (tm) party our way into your room and continue to party there for a few minutes. Then, just like that, we’re gone…that’s when you notice your boredom lying on the floor with its head blown clean the fuck off. Yikes!

Or perhaps you’ll be driving in traffic when- FWONK- you notice a Red Dog Beer truck, (with me at the wheel) barreling out of control towards your Kia Supegra. You dive out the driver’s side door seconds before the truck slams into your car. Later, forensics investigators will sit you down and explain how the force of the deploying airbag severed your boredom’s spine, killing it instantly. I’ll try to make my way through the sea of EMT’s to hand you a banana daiquiri but they’ll take you to the hospital as a precaution before I can get close enough.

Or maybe you’ll be having fun at the amusement park, your boredom nowhere to be seen. Later that night you return home, throw your keys into the key bowl and announce your presence to an empty house. Hmm, that’s strange, where is your boredom? Turn on the light switch and- AGHHHH!!!! Your boredom is also dead in this situation!!! And there’s some sort of note explaining how I’m responsible!!!*

*(I would’ve stuck around but after waiting for like 2 hours, my own boredom showed up with a 12 pack of Rickardi Funfizz malt fruit alcoholic fruit blaster frost cans and we went off into the woods to drink those and fall in a gorge…I think this is all taking place in Ithaca or something.)