Monday, September 29, 2008

My Prize Winning Heirloom Tomatoes

"The Beflummoxed Southern Colonel"

My BSC's came in early this year, which is something we in the tomato world call "knapsacking" or "halfshafting".

"Grand Ol' Stinker"

To the untrained eye, this 'mato would appear bruised & rotten. But we Tomaniacs know better.

"The Arkansas Beefmeat"

Looks like your average tomato, but tastes like 100 dollars!

"The Hiding Jew"

"Delaware Lymph Node"

"The Salad Shadow"

Some of my best tomatoes are black.

"Shemp's Delight"

Now THIS is a fun tomato!

"Hedgeman's False Potato Tomato"

Truly a tomato in potato's clothing. This is my second favorite tomato for tricking people with!

"Oregon Exploder"

...and this is my first favorite!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Whispering Man Takes Too Long Getting to Point.

Gleesborough, OH
A Gleesborough man, whispering some confidential information into a friend’s ear, took too much time getting to the point, causing the friend to become uncomfortable. Transcript below:

(whisperer leans in close to victim’s ear)
“Hey, holy crap! That’s uh….whats it called…(9 second pause)…uhhbuhbuhbuh…whats it called?…pshewwwwww….oh man, whachamacallit….(35 second breathy pause).”

Despite the victim's attempts to lean away, the whisperer managed to maintain the level of mouth to ear proximity for almost 2 minutes.

EMTs were called to the scene but they were unable to revive the victim, who later died and is now paralyzed. The whisperer is being held without bail because he wasnt arrested...HE WAS KIDNAPPED!

Monday, September 22, 2008

If I had an office, I’d throw people out of it like so:

1. Get the Christ out of my office ya doodlebug!

2. GASP! You’ll ruin your dinner!!! Out-out-out!


4. Time’s up bitch! Now get out, otherwise…PAINTBALLS!!! (begin firing paintballs gun)

5. Let me stop you right there and tell you to leave now.

6. (thunderous belch while pointing way out door)

7. I’m gunna write a number on a piece of paper and you tell me what you think, OK? (Write “get the fuck out of my office-hundered”)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Movie pitches

Going to LA to give some pitches. Here’s the game plan:

Alright, sit down. Shut up & listen you goddamn movie executives. Because life’s a PITCH…and then you die (mime gunshot at each exec’s face. Now I have their undivided.)

Ghost Babies
Think Baby Geniuses meets A Cry In The Dark.
A young couple’s baby dies but then they are surprised to find out their baby comes back as a, you guessed it, baby ghost (ghost baby)! Could have a funny scene where parents get to finally sleep in after funeral, then suddenly “WAAAAH!” Oh brother!

Ghost Baby gets into all sorts of trouble style mischief until the grumpy neighbor decides to call an exorcist. Ghost baby and all the other baby ghosts from the neighborhood have to get together and work together so they can do it.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being White
Documentary on how hard it is to be white in today’s reverse racism society. Reverse klan. Reverse stereotypes. Reverse slavery (freedom). The list goes on. Will be documentary so script not necessary!

Spike Lee’s The Original Kings Of Shut Up
We get spike lee to write and direct movie about a group of famous people who are always going “shut up!” in a million different ways. Different situations. Different settings, but always SHUT UP!
(wait for exec to say something)
SHUT UP!!! Haha, see? This is the nature of the beast.

The Nature of the Beast
Just thought of this one. Maybe The Beast could be played by Chris Farley’s fat alive brother.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Filthy Mouthed Naturalist

Salutations cunts,

“Harbor seals! Fucking harbor seals,” I verbally jismed, startling the other ferryboat passengers.
“Oh shit! Two of them! There’s two! Jesus Christ, that one just made diarrhea! Holy dead-baby that is amazing!!!”

Haha. Perhaps I embarrassed myself, but hey, harbor seals are FUN, you n***er! :)

This is a great time of year to spot these curious little faggots swimming, rubbing their pussies and feeding on the ocean’s bountiful fuckbucket. But to see one spraying diarrhea all over the place was a truly fucked up experience that I will treasure for motherfucking satanchrist ever.

Keep fucking nature in the ass

Regibald Q. Parsnidge
The Filthy Mouthed Naturalist

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Weird Al Phones It In (part 2)

(To tune of Traditional "Danny Boy")

Oh hammy boy
The hams the hams are in the fridge
They’re yum yum good
for making sandwiches out of

(To tune of Marky Mark's "Good Vibrations")

Its just-a good libationnn!
-Huh! Sip it! Sip it!-
Its just-a sweeeeeeet sensatioooonnnn!
-Sip the libation!-

(To tune of The Misfits' "Die Die My Darling")

Deli deli deli my darling
Don’t cure a single salami
Deli deli deli my darling
Just get me some pastrami
I’ll be seeing you again
I’ll be seeing you…in Hell.