Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Exclusive News Headline: Billy Joel MURDERS Art Garfunkel

“Pianoman” Billy Joel is under arrest and on suicide watch after witnesses say he murdered fellow singing legend Art Garfunkel at a mutual friend’s Long Island home Monday evening.
Police say they received an anonymous call at 5:30pm claiming that Billy Joel was murdering an unidentified person. Upon arriving at the scene, arresting officer Michael Shwerm said he was surprised to discover it really was Joel, still in the process of murdering.

“Of course at the time, I had no idea the victim was Art Garfunkel," said Shwerm, "He was too badly burned and his skull was completely crushed, rendering him unrecognizable and disgusting. But something told me I should stop this murder.”

Investigators say it appears Joel had tried, unsuccessfully, to rip Garfunkel's face off, in an attempt to recreate the album cover of Joel's 1976 hit "The Stranger"

Officer Shwerm quickly took action,

“I fired a warning shot, but it was too late. Joel was done murdering. Now the victim, who turned out to be Art Garfunkel, was just plain murdered.”

Joel was taken to Nassau County prison where he awaits charges.
It’s unclear as to what caused the incident. One witness who wished to remain anonymous offered her opinion, “I think Billy Joel overreacted about something.”

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Finally a blog post JUST FOR TEENS!

This blog post is a safe place where teens can read. Post comments. Click around. Whatever!


Teen boxing
The world of boxing is a great place for teens. Here at this blog post, we take all sorts of teens OFF the streets and put them into the boxing ring immediately.

Teens can make not-bad money, boxing full grown men as a way for the dude to feel better about himself and get a chance to actually hurt somebody. This is a public health issue solved by TEENS!

Teens dating teens? Now I’ve seen everything!

It’s a fact of life. These days, teens are gunna date some teens sometimes. That’s why today’s teens use protection. Protecteen tm is a teen organization that exists solely within this blog post. It ensures teens have the tools they need, to protect themselves from sexy diseases.

Teen poetry corner
Hi teen, welcome.
You look sad. Did you know that means you’re a good writer? Its true. Come on in and pull up a beanbag. Sorry it’s not chair-size.
Hey, so, Rebecca was just about to read us her poem. Take it away Rebeccs.

Cool. Great job Rebecca. I guess that was lucky how all those words wound up rhyming, huh? Writing is a funny thing. It’s 25% luck, 50% sadness and 25% typing.

Future teen topics:
Teen tours
Teen real estate

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Choose your actions carefully

Choose your actions carefully, because someone, someday, may make a movie about your life…and it may star Tom Hanks…and do you really want to hurt Tom Hanks’ career with all those masturbation scenes? They have NOTHING to do with the plot! One minute you're planning a trip or something, then suddenly cut to ANOTHER masturbation scene!?!- this is the weirdest Tom Hanks movie I’ve ever seen! shame on you.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Welcome To The Raisin House Of Tomorrow!

Hello and thank you for stopping in to view this exciting new home, available at a competitive price. The Automated Realtor audio tour will begin at the tone.


As you may have noticed, this house smells like raisins. Every room. Raisins. No one knows why. Some houses just smell like raisins. In fact, many buyers see it as a plus.

Monticello is a raisin house. Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water is also a raisin house.

Please make your way through the foyer toward the kitchen. Still smell raisins? Of course you do. You will find the consistency comforting.

This is the kitchen.

Dishwasher. Viking range. Raisin smell. Granite counters. You can cook anything you want in this kitchen! You can almost smell the Thanksgiving raisins now. Mmm.

Please follow the arrows up the stairs to the master bedroom. You will notice that the stairwell smells of raisins. This is terrific.

Welcome to the master bedroom. The brilliant white carpeting is subtly accented by the thuggish hint of raisins. You definitely want to buy this house.

Imagine convincing your friends that your new home used to belong to some sort of raisin tycoon or perhaps to one of the fictional R&B singing California Raisins. "This is where they found the famous raisin, dead on the toilet," you may tell your boss as you proudly show him around. I hope you like promotions! And raisins!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Book publishers used to hire me to write the back-cover blurbs/synopses for their books. Then they stopped.

The Road
A man stumbles across the burned out wasteland. He is completely scared and 100 percent sad. It's the year (?) and everything is dead & spooky. You are in for a seriously good read. OK, Take care.

Under The Tuscan Sun
Enjoy this book like you would a fine wine! Haha, just kidding. Enjoy!

Black Beauty
Finally a horse that doesn't subscribe to the white man's definition of beauty. Black Beauty takes place in an era of breathtaking spectacle and exuberant fortitude. Great for kids or pretty much anyone who likes Black Beauty.

Spice Up That Meal (cookbook)
This book is the cure for the common meal!
It’s also the cure for the common cold! 200% money-back guarantee!