Rejected ONN Story Ideas

Some ideas the Onion News Network passed on.

Mike Tyson introduces own line of George Foreman style electric grills.
Tyson pitches: “it knocks out the fat, then rapes the fat’s wife in front of the fat’s children. I have a headache all the time. Don’t be such a faggot, America, buy this shit! I’m gunna take a nap while standing for a little bit. Wake me up when its time to rape and hurt people. ”



Brazil and other APEC countries announce higher ass prices.
The ass cartel APEC, headed by the ass-rich country of Brazil, released a statement today revealing they plan to increase the price of hot ass to 3 cocktails, 2 sushi dinners and 1 cute, self-effacing story of one’s awkward adolescence. The US and EU request that APEC increase production to meet demands and stabilize prices.


Metropolitan museum of art building open-air wing to house fecal-based paintings.

Weird Al phones it in

“Hamburger in Paradise”
to tune of Jimmy Buffet’s “Cheeseburger in Paradise"

Hamburger in paradise
Sesame seed bun with an onion slice
A burger WITHOUT cheese would be nice
It’s just a HAMburger in paradise!












“Bream”
To tune of The Everly Brothers’ “All I Have to do is Dream”

Breeeeeam
Bream bream breeam
Breeeeeam
Bream bream breeam
Whenever I want FISH, all I have to do is eat breeeam.



“Goodbye England’s Pizza”
To tune of Elton John’s “Goodbye England’s Rose” (which was to tune of Elton John’s “Goodbye Norma Jean” (which was to tune of Bo Diddley’s “Goodbye Bo Diddley”))

Goodbye England’s Pizza!
Though we never ordered you at all
We wanted pepperoni
but you just had anchovies!!!
(kazoo solo)






note: Weird Al is terrific.

The Filthy Mouthed Naturalist: Snowshoe Hare

Salutations cunts,

The wonders of winter are truly upon us. Today, on my morning hike through the shitty ceder swamps behind my cabin, I startled the fucking shit out of a perfectly camouflaged snowshoe hare.

It truly is a stunning creature. As white as an old Italian lady's vaginal bush and twice as rare to see; snowshoe hares have now changed from their brown summer coat to a brilliant white winter fur. They use this camouflage to hide from their chief predators, dickhead bobcats and scumbag lynxes. All of which, by the way, can go ahead and gargle my naturalist balls!

Consider yourself lucky if you have the good fortune to actually see a snowshoe hare. 53 years ive spent scouring the winter's woods of the northeast, and only twice have my eyes gotten their metaphorical dicks sucked by this rare member of the rabbit family. Perhaps this winter wont be so fucking shitty afterall.

Keep fucking nature in the ass,

Regibald Q. Parsnidge
The Filthy Mouthed Naturalist