Dr Lucas Held, Medical Scientist

I’m a Nut For Pondering Skulls!

I’ve got to admit to a guilty pleasure of mine: PONDERING HUMAN SKULLS!

I guess you could say I was bitten by the ponder bug at an early age when I held my first skull while learning about the origins of bad habits at Booger Camp (pictured above).

I liked the ponderous way holding a skull made me look, and I liked the ponderfull way it made me feel when I looked at it and wondered about stuff: “What color is God’s skin? What would I do if God turned out to be kind of a sickly jaundiced shade? Where the heck do skulls come from anyway?”

After returning home, I spent every last penny of my milk money on skulls (today, I am four and a half feet tall due to severe calcium deficiencies). I tried out for every school play that involved pondering a human skull: Hamlet, Fiddler on The Roof, Death of a Skull Salesman, The Best Little Whorehouse Made of Skulls in Texas. I was never cast, but I received great word-of-mouth reviews as an attentive and respectful audience member.

I’ve tried pondering femurs, baskets of fruit, dead cats, alive cats, but nothing stimulates the mind & also the brain quite like a skull. So put down your lit cigarette. Drop your crystal amulet. Slowly pour acid on your Rubik’s cube. AND PICK UP A SKULL! You wont be disappointed (unless you’re not really into skulls).

Interesting Bits of Conversations I Overheard Around The City In The Past Week

"So I told her, no way! Hahaha. Nah Just kidding, i said aight."

"He's a visiting professor from Harvard, so you know he's gunna be jacked."

"Please don't hold my hand Susan. Thanks."

"These hot dogs actually arent for sale."

"Pregnant? Crap. How bad? Shit."

"...So me and Cynthia went to- um...uh...can I help you dude?...well youve been following us since 48th st. Seriously, could you give us some room please?"

"Did you see Entourage last- Oh my God, Brian...i...i think theres someone out on my fire escape. (gasp) Theres a guy with a notepad watching me! Brian what do I do?!?"

"OK, sir at this time im placing you under arrest for trespassing and harassment."

"Stop fighting us sir! Stop fighting us or we'll have to mace you!"

"Wow, we maced the bjesus outta this guy, huh?"

Randy Newman watching Bam Margera on MTV:

(Best if spoken to self in Randy Newman’s wetarded sounding voice.)


Hahaha! oh no Bam! Da nice afternoon you planned for your mom was all a setup! What’s your uncle vito doing dere!?! What’s dat big fat disaster doing?

Hahaha Uncle Vito got naked! Whys dat guy naked he’s gwoss!

Now Bam’s mom is scweamin cuz her garden party is ruined! Uh oh and here comes Bam, he was hidin’ the whole time! Oh no Bam, don’t get into a carefully choreographed food fight! You’re makin’ a spectacle of stuff!

Oh no Bam, don’t sit your mom down and calmly explain t' her dat you don’t love her! Oh bwother! Don't-Don’t dwop trau den spway her with diarrhea! Baaam!!! Tee hee!
Hey, I tink I’ll write a song about dis:

Dere once was a bug and his name was Bam, and his pawents were mad cuz he was such a twickster! But he got paid money for bein such a twickster, so they weren’t really mad, they were just pwentendin.

U.S. Millitary Slogans Aimed at Attracting More Jewish Recruits

I Want YOU, Josh Greenburg.

What? You want we should let the terrorists win? Feh!

Think of killing people as just suing them for their heartbeat.

The U.S. Millitary: Now featuring guns that can be fired simply by wringing your hands in worry.

I Should Be All That I Can Be So Lucky!