By Mitchell Jefferies Jr.
America runs on opium. Love it or hate it (I LOVE it), this is just a simple fact. From the carriages we drive to the mills we operate, everywhere is a good location in which to smoke opium.
However, reliance on foreign opium has left us vulnerable to the whims of the orient. And if you’ve ever tried not constantly smoking opium, you know how every inch of your being throbs with malaise. Simply switching to hashish or pilfering the children’s morning brandy is obviously not an option. So what are these United States of this America to do?
I propose a pragmatic 3-step plan: First, we burn the Irish. Then to take their place, we import Chinapeople. Once the Chinapeople enter their winter hibernation, we simply massage their opium glands, harvesting their precious byproduct. It’s like killing two million passenger pigeons with one stone (which, by the way, everyone should try at least once. Highly killable birds. Highly killable).
1841-ly Yours,
Mitchell Jefferies Jr.
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