I am going to murder your boredom!

And it’ll happen when you least expect it.
Maybe you’ll be drifting off to sleep then -BOOM- I shotgun your door off the hinges. Then me & the Naked Magazine girls (tm) party our way into your room and continue to party there for a few minutes. Then, just like that, we’re gone…that’s when you notice your boredom lying on the floor with its head blown clean the fuck off. Yikes!

Or perhaps you’ll be driving in traffic when- FWONK- you notice a Red Dog Beer truck, (with me at the wheel) barreling out of control towards your Kia Supegra. You dive out the driver’s side door seconds before the truck slams into your car. Later, forensics investigators will sit you down and explain how the force of the deploying airbag severed your boredom’s spine, killing it instantly. I’ll try to make my way through the sea of EMT’s to hand you a banana daiquiri but they’ll take you to the hospital as a precaution before I can get close enough.

Or maybe you’ll be having fun at the amusement park, your boredom nowhere to be seen. Later that night you return home, throw your keys into the key bowl and announce your presence to an empty house. Hmm, that’s strange, where is your boredom? Turn on the light switch and- AGHHHH!!!! Your boredom is also dead in this situation!!! And there’s some sort of note explaining how I’m responsible!!!*

*(I would’ve stuck around but after waiting for like 2 hours, my own boredom showed up with a 12 pack of Rickardi Funfizz malt fruit alcoholic fruit blaster frost cans and we went off into the woods to drink those and fall in a gorge…I think this is all taking place in Ithaca or something.)

Just Headlines

3rd Annual TV Sitcom Judge Convention Held














Chinese Lead Found to be Contaminated with Toys.
Not a Big Deal.











Local Genius Wins Internet Messageboard Argument.
Masturbates Self.











Germaphobe Overcomes Fear of Eating Poop.

To The Guy Who Just Shot Me In A Knife Fight – (transcribed as it occurred)

(bang!)


-Oof!!!

...HHHHHEYYYYYYYYY!

Where-where'd you get that?!?

That!

That gun! Where'd you get that gun?

Why do I ask? Oh, I dunno, maybe cuz I was under the impression this was a knife fight! Meaning we circle each other, while nervously switching our knives from our right to left hands. Then someone lunges & the other guy pulls back, then the other guy lunges & the first guy pulls back.

I mean, you challenged me to a knife fight, I figured you'd know what a knife fight was, but…

Ooo…owy owy…owch…

It-it just doesn't seem really fair…that you'd challenge me to a knife fight…we get all our respective friends out here at Blind Man's Bluff, and then you pull this garbage!

And I'm sorry, that's what it is! Garbage!

Why did we bother dressing in red leather jackets if we weren't gunna knife fight? You think I tie bandannas around my wrists and ankles for my health!?! It was for the knife fight, you jerk!

I can't believe I went out and spent $15 on a new switchblade spring for this! Yeah, I mean its always good to have a smooth action on your switchblade...but its like buying a new bathing suit for the beach, but then when you get to the ocean a Puerto Rican seagull shoots you in the stomach.

I mean, do you see where I'm coming from here? Am I making sense?

Y'know what? Apology NOT accepted. Talk to me later when I cool down. Right now I honestly don't even want to see you Carlos.

Just Headlines!!!

Crime Boss Impressed -Not Angry- That Kid Stood Up For Self. Baffles Contemporarys















Fashion:
How Old Is Being Too Old?


















Ex Navy Seal Actually Does Like To Talk About It All That Much



















Music Playing On Myspace Page Not Muted By Viewer.
Internet Thrown Into Brief Panic.

German Tourist Traveling Alone Wants to Join Local Conversation

Mcglynn’s Pub, New York NY-
Guenther Spiegel, a 32-year-old German citizen, has been backpacking across America for the last 3 months. Like many German Tourists he is traveling alone and is, once again, eager for some local human interaction.

“Hahaha, you a liar!” He playfully interjected to a nearby conversation.
Attempting to clarify his point he continued, “You a liar that you don’t ever watch TV! Hahaha?”

“Yeah, you got me. I sometimes do watch TV.” Admitted a young man before turning back to continue his private conversation.

“You two are from New York?” Guenther asked, sliding in between the young man and woman.
Upon learning that the couple were actually from New Jersey Guenther’s face lit up.

“Hahaha?” Guenther asked.

“…Yeah, that’s…haha. New Jersey,” The young man agreed before taking a long sip of his drink.

Guenther’s proactive conversational abilities have steadily improved as he has continued his travels.
“At first, I felt uncomfortable, trying to strike up conversations with strangers. So now I join conversations that are already happening. Is more easier!”

“I’ve met all kinds of people this way. Ive met people who come to a bar often, and people who don’t. I’ve met people who were on dates with each other. I’ve met people who are uncomfortable speaking while at a urinal. I’ve even met people who say they never watch TV, but then admit that they do!”

“Everybody loves somebody they doesn’t know,” Guenther explained before leaning into the background of a photo being taken of a bachelorette party and flashing the peace sign.

“You have a cell phone?” He asked a nearby woman dialing her cell phone.

“Yeah, I do” she admitted.

Finally satisfied he had absorbed enough human interaction Guenter decided to call it a night.
“Time to ride the subway and stare at the map for a very long time.”

I want a Donald Trump feud!

Why should Mark Cuban and Rosie O’Donnell get all the publicity for feuding with “The Don”? If anything they need less publicity because they are so fucking fat. Am I right?

I’d start the feud out by writing “The Don” a scathing letter by way of the New York Post.

“Dear The Don,
I would call you ‘overrated’, but I don’t think anyone takes you seriously enough to even warrant any sort of a rating. Now you may say, ‘Well, fuck you Lucas! You a loser [sic]. I am a successful [sic]. That’s right, a successful [sic]! And I have a TV show on television. What do you do you [sic] besides are a loser [sic]?”

Then, to beat him to the punch, I’d write another letter, ripping apart his hypothetical retort:

“Fuck me? No no no…Seriously? Fuck YOU, The Don.
‘am a successful’? ‘besides are a loser’? Haha, learn to write you dummy!
You have a TV show? Pfft! You know who else had a TV show? Anna Nicole Smith and also Adolph Hitler. That’s some nice company you keep, you weird looking WASP who I want to neck-punch in the throat so bad!”

After realizing that it’s illegal to physically threaten someone, I would back-peddle:

“Dear The Con,
WTF!?! I didn’t mean that as a threat, I was just talking in a hypothetical motion. I’m surprised you couldn’t understand that. I keep hearing these rumors on the street that ‘Lucas is going to find The Don (AKA The Con) and slap his face till he seriously damages his own hand.’ If anything, that’s a threat against me! I’m a comedian so my hand is my livelihood (funny middle finger gestures etc). This letter officially sues you!”

After realizing that suing someone is a more complicated process than declaring it so in a letter, I would declare the feud over (which you can do in a letter) and go back to my normal life a wiser and fatter man.

A Visit To The South Bronx’s Last Remaining Farm

"The kids these days, they don’t respect boundary demarcations like they used to."












Martin Freihoffer’s family has been farming this plot of land, just south of Eugenio Maria de Hostos Blvd, since the 17th century when they arrived from Holland. Over the years it has dwindled from about 100 acres, to its present size of just under a half acre.

“This land is part of who I am," said Freihoffer, "I would never sell it to developers. Why, just the other day, some fat cat made me a hefty offer cuz he wanted to put up some sort of rapist museum! Can you believe that?”

The museum in question was actually a rap museum and the “fat cat”, none other than local Bronx celebrity developer, Sal “The Developer” Blattery!

“I’ve developed all sorts of stuff in the South Bronx, so trust me, that old coot is sitting on a gold mine.” Said Blattery

“He thought I wanted to put up a rapist museum? Wow…well that explains his righteous indignation. I mean, i thought there may have been a misunderstanding when he spit on my award winning mustache."

Blattery (Image courtesy Face-Forest Magazine)


Friehoffer is worried he may not have the willpower to hold out for much longer.

“To tell you the truth I don’t know if the community even wants me here. People rarely show up for hay rides anymore. I harvest more condom wrappers than I do cabbage. The kids these days, they don’t respect boundary demarcations like they used to. When I was young, you can be damn sure a 3 foot stacked stone wall meant something!”

Sometimes, a sense of humor helps when dealing with the ever-present trespassing and littering.

“Ever see a chicken peck at a discarded chicken wing? Heehee…I sure have! Ever see a duck get its bill blown off by a loaded .45 hidden in the barley? Heehee…I also sure have too that also too![sic]”

Whether you’re looking to pick your own pumpkins, feed some chickens or just searching for someplace green in which to defecate, Freihoffer’s Farm is sure to please!

Some original old timey art by me, Lucas Held, "genius of artisticness"

Josey Wales Spit on My Grandpappy T-shirts available for purchase soon. This is going to be huge, people.

Ancient Chinese Proverbs

Bite me once, shame on you.
Bite me twice, also shame on you. Stop biting me you crazy idiot.

A bird in the hand is worth like 20 bucks, because, hey, this is China. You could grind that thing up and sell bird powder to people, and theyell use that shit to cure impotence or TB.

Confusious say: proper English conjugation difficult.

Just Headlines!

They're the best part anyway.


“Rookie” E.R. Doctor Defends Efforts After Losing Patient:
“My only regret is that I didn’t know what to do”.





















Cardio Slapboxing: New Fitness Craze For Obese Pussies.

















Cardio Wifeboxing: New Fitness Craze For Hateful Monsters


















Staten Island 15th Annual Complainathon Draws Lackluster Crowd
"Meh", Say Festival-Goers

Sharper Image Founder Awakens From 15 Year Coma, Exclaims, "Hey, It's The 90's!"

San Diego, CA
Sharper Image founder, Richard Thalheimer awoke from a 15 year coma, caused when a test model of his company's Southwestern themed ionic breeze exploded in his face during a photo shoot.

Thalheimer seemed confused, answering doctors' and family members' questions by shrugging and saying "hey, it's the 90's!" and, "Theres just something about a wall of rising bubbles that makes people want to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on it."

While Thalheimer inquired as to the non-southwestern nature of his hospital gown, his family quietly discussed the best way to break the news regarding the actual length of his coma. They worried about how Thalheimer would react to the truth.

"It's definitely not the 90's, is the thing." said Thalheimer's brother Daniel. "As kids, Richard used to tell me, 'Danny, if the future doesnt look like it was designed by Navajo astronauts, i dont want to live in it.'"

For now the family will try to surround Thalheimer with comforting items to ease his transition.

"Who needs a doctor when youve got a lifesize replica of the Predator by your bedside?" Wondered Thalheimer from under his adobe laser blanket.

Dr Lucas Held, Medical Scientist

I’m a Nut For Pondering Skulls!

I’ve got to admit to a guilty pleasure of mine: PONDERING HUMAN SKULLS!

I guess you could say I was bitten by the ponder bug at an early age when I held my first skull while learning about the origins of bad habits at Booger Camp (pictured above).

I liked the ponderous way holding a skull made me look, and I liked the ponderfull way it made me feel when I looked at it and wondered about stuff: “What color is God’s skin? What would I do if God turned out to be kind of a sickly jaundiced shade? Where the heck do skulls come from anyway?”

After returning home, I spent every last penny of my milk money on skulls (today, I am four and a half feet tall due to severe calcium deficiencies). I tried out for every school play that involved pondering a human skull: Hamlet, Fiddler on The Roof, Death of a Skull Salesman, The Best Little Whorehouse Made of Skulls in Texas. I was never cast, but I received great word-of-mouth reviews as an attentive and respectful audience member.

I’ve tried pondering femurs, baskets of fruit, dead cats, alive cats, but nothing stimulates the mind & also the brain quite like a skull. So put down your lit cigarette. Drop your crystal amulet. Slowly pour acid on your Rubik’s cube. AND PICK UP A SKULL! You wont be disappointed (unless you’re not really into skulls).

Interesting Bits of Conversations I Overheard Around The City In The Past Week

"So I told her, no way! Hahaha. Nah Just kidding, i said aight."

"He's a visiting professor from Harvard, so you know he's gunna be jacked."

"Please don't hold my hand Susan. Thanks."

"These hot dogs actually arent for sale."

"Pregnant? Crap. How bad? Shit."

"...So me and Cynthia went to- um...uh...can I help you dude?...well youve been following us since 48th st. Seriously, could you give us some room please?"

"Did you see Entourage last- Oh my God, Brian...i...i think theres someone out on my fire escape. (gasp) Theres a guy with a notepad watching me! Brian what do I do?!?"

"OK, sir at this time im placing you under arrest for trespassing and harassment."

"Stop fighting us sir! Stop fighting us or we'll have to mace you!"

"Wow, we maced the bjesus outta this guy, huh?"

Randy Newman watching Bam Margera on MTV:

(Best if spoken to self in Randy Newman’s wetarded sounding voice.)


Hahaha! oh no Bam! Da nice afternoon you planned for your mom was all a setup! What’s your uncle vito doing dere!?! What’s dat big fat disaster doing?

Hahaha Uncle Vito got naked! Whys dat guy naked he’s gwoss!

Now Bam’s mom is scweamin cuz her garden party is ruined! Uh oh and here comes Bam, he was hidin’ the whole time! Oh no Bam, don’t get into a carefully choreographed food fight! You’re makin’ a spectacle of stuff!

Oh no Bam, don’t sit your mom down and calmly explain t' her dat you don’t love her! Oh bwother! Don't-Don’t dwop trau den spway her with diarrhea! Baaam!!! Tee hee!
Hey, I tink I’ll write a song about dis:

Dere once was a bug and his name was Bam, and his pawents were mad cuz he was such a twickster! But he got paid money for bein such a twickster, so they weren’t really mad, they were just pwentendin.

U.S. Millitary Slogans Aimed at Attracting More Jewish Recruits

I Want YOU, Josh Greenburg.

What? You want we should let the terrorists win? Feh!

Think of killing people as just suing them for their heartbeat.

The U.S. Millitary: Now featuring guns that can be fired simply by wringing your hands in worry.

I Should Be All That I Can Be So Lucky!

ZOO REVIEW: Prospect Park Zoo

On Sunday, my brother Eric and I visited the Prospect Park Zoo in Brooklyn. It’s a small zoo, so it’s understandable that they wouldn’t have the mega fauna one would see at the Bronx Zoo. But what it lacks in lions and gorillas, it more than makes up for in a diverse collection of animal skin diseases painstakingly collected over the years.

Prospect Park Zoo is THE destination for fans of dermal conditions as it boasts the largest collection of endangered rashes and mangy tumorous growthy things of any publicly funded zoo.

The zoo has everything from “hideously infected/misshapen baboon butt syndrome” to the rarely seen in captivity “every prairie dog in the colony is going bald in the exact same spot-itis.”

This amazing collection is only possible, thanks to a generous lack of donations from the Horowitz Family Foundation and the invaluable expertise of zoo staff.

“Ringworm, that pops up overnight. Anyone can grow ringworm…but eyeball rot…that takes a careful neglect only an animal expert is capable of,” said Carlos Stevens, a homeless man living in the penguin exhibit.

After visiting the zoo, be sure to stop by the gift shop, where you can purchase adorable BeanieBaby brand canker-sore plush toys and a lovely calendar featuring Lobo, everyone’s favorite ostrich whose beak fell off.

New Study: Falling Down Stairs Good For You

Conventional health knowlege has been turned on it's head yet again. In recent years, alcohol has been shown to act as an antioxidant. Then it was revealed that coffee helps to prevent neurological disorders. Now a new study shows that falling down the stairs is actually good for you.


"We've found falling down the stairs to be stimulating to both the mind and body, with very few negative side effects," said Dr. William Fish, head of Rothbein Research Institute.

This is good news for Tumble Inc. a publicly traded manufacturer of falling down the stairs, whose stock went up 12 points after the study was released.

This new study comes fresh on the heals of the institute's latest finding: that being raped to death by a waterbuffalo is full of vitamin C.

Fancy Restaurant

I went to a fancy restaurant the other yesterday and I was struck by how the waiter always describes the specials with the article "a".
"Tonight we offer a fillet of salmon, cooked in an olive oil. We also offer a Frenchbread pizza which is a bread that is quite cleverly, a pizza."

I don’t get that, cuz if they really want to sound fancy they should say “THE”.

“Today we offer THE Frenchbread pizza. Trust me, you have NEVER had frenchbread pizza like this before. Mama Celeste would probably blow her brains all over her rustic kitchen if she ever tasted this stuff. Thats how shamed she'd be. Thats how."


Then I'd be like, "That honestly sounds like a huge over reaction on Mama Celeste's part." And the waiter wouldnt say shit because he'd know i'm right. And my date would be like, "Mmmmm...ughnnn."

And i'd go, "you order whatever you want, Glenda."
Then she'd order a bowl of peepee and i'd regret telling her that.

Hunter Able to Fell Tiny Deer by 'Giving it a Good Smack'

Mt Scrumbledale, NY:
Hunter Gene Parso made history last week, when he came upon an unusually small, fragile whitetail buck, which he was able to kill by "smackin' him one."

"Im waiting in my treestand all day," recounted Parso, "Around 6pm, i see this little deer come through the brush. I aint never seen a deer so little before. So i think to myself, 'I dont even need my gun for this lil' bastid'."

Mr Parso then climbed down from his treestand, aproached the small deer and "smacked him around" for about 5 minutes.

"Y'know that scene in the Godfather, where Sonny beats-up his brother in law in the street? Thats what it was like, only instead of knocking him into a pile of trash cans, i knocked him into a pile of plants cuz we was in the woods."

Parso has no plans to mount the deer as a trophy.

"He aint pretty no more," He explained. "I'll probably just wind up using him as firewood or somethin."

On The Job Injuries Reported At C&C Music Factory, Millsburg PA

10/29/90: Fat beat flies off conveyor belt, lightly injuring plant manager and 2 workers



7/08/91: Faulty air conditioner causes several employees to sweat till they bleed

3/12/91: Cafeteria worker loses 3 fingers to hungry/sassy 400 pound soul-diva.

5/25/93: Cleaning crew is caught in trash compactor and crushed to the rhythm, crush-crushed to the rhythm, crushed.

Actor Steve Buscemi, ‘I too will donate my eyes when I die.’

Following in the footsteps of the recently deceased Jerry Orbach, Actor/Director Steve Buscemi has said he will immediatly arrange for his own status as an eye doner.
“Being an organ donor is important, but few people realize how important it is to specifically be an eye donor,” Said Buscemi, “the thought of my eyes giving the gift of sight to a small child is a heartwarming prospect.”
However, not everyone is thrilled by that prospect.



“Creepy,” shuddered Carla Hollis, a 31 year old waitress and mother of blind twins, currently awaiting a donor. “Imagine a baby with [Buscemi's] crazy dead eyes stuffed into its little sockets…oh my God. It’d look like some kind of nocturnal marsupial, or some sort of deep sea fish. I'll take the blind twins over baby Frankenstein, thank you very much."

“We wouldn’t turn away any healthy eyes that come in,” said Gregory Simms of the NY Organ Bank. “But…we do try to avoid mismatches.” Buscemi’s eyes would be unlikely to wind up in a child or infant. “They will more likely go to a jittery ner-do-well or a quirky loner.” Said Dr Simms. “Perhaps someone whose wiry frame and informal attitude belie a brutally violent nature.” Dr Simms added, "I personally think Mr. Buscemi has nice eyes. Very awake looking."

This blog written while flying down the street on a Kawasaki Ninja

Yo. It's me here. Reporting from the seat of my beloved Kawasaki Ninja performance bike. Im screaming along the main drag, doing 115 and believe me, IT IS ON!

If youre wondering why this blog is absolutely dripping with sex and turbo, let me lay it out for you simplistic. I'm typing this shit as i scream through the streets of suburban New Jersey. You dig? I'm turnin ladies' heads and wakin up the deads, and my hands arent even on the Goddamn motherfucking handlebars. I havent even looked up in 10 minutes. Thats how ON it is.

Anyway, get to the point, right? OK. Im typing this as I shreik through backyards and playgrounds at 297 MPH to let you know some important shit about making your dreams a reality. Know what im sayin? Of course you dont. Cuz if you did, i wouldnt have to type a blog as I blurt through the aisles of Costco doing thousands of MPHs in the saddle of my Kawasaki Ninja. Oh yeah, I also have tribal arm band tattoos and work in a cell phone store. Deal with it!

Boston Mayor Beheaded By Cast of Coach in TV Guerilla Marketing Ploy

Boston Mayor Thomas Menino was publicly decapitated in what has been described as a guerilla marketing scheme for the long canceled sitcom Coach.
Bostonians were surprised to find the original cast of the show performing the execution on an improvised stage near Kenmore Square.

"At first, we all thought it was like a show or somethin’. [The cast of Coach] ran onstage and danced around. Craig T. Nelson, he was like the hype man. Getting the crowd clapping in unison and whatnot." Said witness Mike Baird, a City Parks employee.
"Jerry Van Dyke on the other hand, he hung back. Looked real serious. I guess now I know why."




While all of the cast members participated in holding down the hysterically struggling mayor, the role of executioner fell to Van Dyke, who unceremoniously removed Menino's head with a commemorative Coach Bowie-knife, before vomiting and running off stage.

"We figured it'd be funny if Van Dyke did the deed because he usually looks so friendly." Said Samule Quentin of Mandangle Marketing, a New York based guerilla-marketing firm.

"Doing the opposite of the perceived norm can often result in humorous dividends. For example: a salad made out of meat, or a promiscuous infant." Explained Quentin.

Boston was put on high alert until it became clear that the kidnapping and public execution was a publicity stunt.

Memorial services for Menino will be held at Parson's Funeral Home in Brookline, MA.

Vlad Tepes on dating.

I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with the bloodthirsty 15th century Walachian prince, Vlad Tepes (AKA Vlad The Impaler, so named for his favorite method of execution) at a trendy downtown tapas bar to get his take on the do's and dont's of dating in New York.


LUCAS: Enjoying your tapas, Tepes? Haha, those words sound ali-
VLAD (to armed guard): Impale this idiot on a stake made out of bees.
LUCAS: Hey! Get off me! Get off! Whats that buzzing sound? Bees? How'd you get them to form a spike like that- agh! No! Ow! Theyre stinging me while they stab me as a whole! Stop! Oh God no!!! What are your favourite hotspots to pick up chicks in the meatpacking district!?!?! Arggg!!!!!!!!!!!
VLAD (nibbling on tapas): Shhhh...
LUCAS: (Gurgle)...Whats...a player...gotta do...to keep from...getting played?
VLAD(to armed guard): Feed him to the pigs when he stops breathing.

EPILOGUE: I escaped somehow.

Launch of the new blog!

I want this blog to be a place where rules can be broken and boxes can be thought outside of. To drive that point home, heres a derivative Top Ten style list of PLACES YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR "RULES":

Up your butt!

Up your ass!

In a memo titled "Rules" so i'll know next time!

Out of my 'drunk driving' face, you hysterical blood-covered lady!

Annoying Hipster Douchebag

Here's a mostly improvised video thats funny. I made it along with my buddy Pat Stango www.donttouchmethere.com