OP ED from the Archive, 1841:

America Is ADDICTED To Foreign Opium!
By Mitchell Jefferies Jr.

America runs on opium. Love it or hate it (I LOVE it), this is just a simple fact. From the carriages we drive to the mills we operate, everywhere is a good location in which to smoke opium.

However, reliance on foreign opium has left us vulnerable to the whims of the orient. And if you’ve ever tried not constantly smoking opium, you know how every inch of your being throbs with malaise. Simply switching to hashish or pilfering the children’s morning brandy is obviously not an option. So what are these United States of this America to do?

I propose a pragmatic 3-step plan: First, we burn the Irish. Then to take their place, we import Chinapeople. Once the Chinapeople enter their winter hibernation, we simply massage their opium glands, harvesting their precious byproduct. It’s like killing two million passenger pigeons with one stone (which, by the way, everyone should try at least once. Highly killable birds. Highly killable).

1841-ly Yours,

Mitchell Jefferies Jr.

OPINIONS: None of Yo Business!

By Scrimpscrimp Barlayjanay

Dear The Editor,

Ok first off, I been drinking Bombay Sapphire ALL DAY, so you need to CHANGE YO DISPOSITION. Understand? Secondly it aint none of yo business what I be do. And this is why I writing to you today.

People be asking me, “Scrimpscrimp, why you be do that?” and I be tryin to tell them, “None of yo business!” but they don’t even want to hear it. This is an issue of the community!

Now some people be getting at my fambly. They say, “all you Barlayjanays be drinkin Bombay Sapphire all day. That aint no way t’make the day.”
Now when it comes down to things, is that any of anybody’s business? I beg to disagree.

Dear The Editor yours,

Scrimpscrimp Barlayjanay
The None-of-yo-business KING of America, BITCH!

Hey Vermont, enough with the maple syrup already!

We get it, alright? We fucking get it.
Let's have a look at the FACTS about Vermont:


FACT: Fall color is 100% BULLSHIT
FACT: Vermont was NOT one of the original 13 colonies.
FACT: Vermont has yet to outlaw wasting food.
FACT: Vermont leads the nation in hayride deaths.
FACT: Vermont remains “The Green Mountain State” despite their shrill insistence to the contrary.
FACT: Vermont’s capitol city is one of America’s most evil capitol cities.
FACT: Cannibalism was commonplace on the island of New Guinea in the early 19th century and Vermont is ALSO terrible.

Improvised Prank Phone Call

I just completed a level 601 prank telephoning class at the Chi Chi Ramirez School of Improv Gigglers. Here’s the transcript of my thesis prank on an unsuspecting sucker:

SUCKER: Hello?
ME: Hi, how are you?
SUCKER: I’m OK, who’s this?
ME: It’s uh…what’s it called…
SUCKER: Sorry?
ME: What?
SUCKER: I said, “sorry?”
ME: Um…for what?
SUCKER: …Who is calling please?
ME: Oh right! It’s uh, what’s it called? It’s this guy-It’s this nebbish calling.
SUCKER: Who?
ME: Y’know, this nebbishy…or y’know what? Scratch that. I’m this Middle Eastern taxi fellow…but my name is like, an American one! Haha?
SUCKER: I…don’t understand.
ME: You- hmm………………….I’ll call you back later.
SUCKER: OK.

(5 minutes later)

SUCKER: Hello?
ME: Stanley, my name is Stanley….
SUCKER: (silent)
ME: But I’m like, Arabian.
SUCKER: (soft breathing)
ME: Ahahaha, gotcha! You’ve been prank telephoned, asshole.
SUCKER: OK. Is that it?
ME: Mmm, yeah that’s- oh wait! I almost forgot, I’m gunna kidnap your children!
SUCKER: What?!
ME: Yeah, I’m gunna kidnap your children, Clarissa and Brian, right? I’m gunna kidnap them.
SUCKER: That’s not funny. Kidnapping isn’t funny.
ME: …What about a whoopee cushion just for queefs? Is that funny?
SUCKER: I dunno. A little.
ME: OK, so we’ll go with that instead.
SUCKER: Leave my children alone.
ME: Yessir. Take care now.

Recession-Proof Investments

Rope. People will always need to kill themselves.







Tyler Perry. When America hits on hard times, we turn to the comfort of terrible movies. It’s as American as apple pie flavored Vitamin Water chips.










The polar bear funeral industry is BOOMING. Look for exponential growth.




















Cutups. Look for cutups and wiseacres to make huge strides in the depressing days ahead. Their joke-comments and laugh-riddles will be in extra high demand.

My Prize Winning Heirloom Tomatoes

"The Beflummoxed Southern Colonel"

My BSC's came in early this year, which is something we in the tomato world call "knapsacking" or "halfshafting".





"Grand Ol' Stinker"













To the untrained eye, this 'mato would appear bruised & rotten. But we Tomaniacs know better.





"The Arkansas Beefmeat"

Looks like your average tomato, but tastes like 100 dollars!









"The Hiding Jew"












"Delaware Lymph Node"











"The Salad Shadow"


Some of my best tomatoes are black.











"Shemp's Delight"

Now THIS is a fun tomato!










"Hedgeman's False Potato Tomato"


Truly a tomato in potato's clothing. This is my second favorite tomato for tricking people with!






"Oregon Exploder"

...and this is my first favorite!

Whispering Man Takes Too Long Getting to Point.

Gleesborough, OH
Saturday
A Gleesborough man, whispering some confidential information into a friend’s ear, took too much time getting to the point, causing the friend to become uncomfortable. Transcript below:

(whisperer leans in close to victim’s ear)
“Hey, holy crap! That’s uh….whats it called…(9 second pause)…uhhbuhbuhbuh…whats it called?…pshewwwwww….oh man, whachamacallit….(35 second breathy pause).”

Despite the victim's attempts to lean away, the whisperer managed to maintain the level of mouth to ear proximity for almost 2 minutes.

EMTs were called to the scene but they were unable to revive the victim, who later died and is now paralyzed. The whisperer is being held without bail because he wasnt arrested...HE WAS KIDNAPPED!

If I had an office, I’d throw people out of it like so:

1. Get the Christ out of my office ya doodlebug!

2. GASP! You’ll ruin your dinner!!! Out-out-out!

3. No shit Sherlock. Now GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE SHERLOCK!

4. Time’s up bitch! Now get out, otherwise…PAINTBALLS!!! (begin firing paintballs gun)

5. Let me stop you right there and tell you to leave now.

6. (thunderous belch while pointing way out door)

7. I’m gunna write a number on a piece of paper and you tell me what you think, OK? (Write “get the fuck out of my office-hundered”)

Movie pitches

Going to LA to give some pitches. Here’s the game plan:

Alright, sit down. Shut up & listen you goddamn movie executives. Because life’s a PITCH…and then you die (mime gunshot at each exec’s face. Now I have their undivided.)













Ghost Babies
Think Baby Geniuses meets A Cry In The Dark.
A young couple’s baby dies but then they are surprised to find out their baby comes back as a, you guessed it, baby ghost (ghost baby)! Could have a funny scene where parents get to finally sleep in after funeral, then suddenly “WAAAAH!” Oh brother!

Ghost Baby gets into all sorts of trouble style mischief until the grumpy neighbor decides to call an exorcist. Ghost baby and all the other baby ghosts from the neighborhood have to get together and work together so they can do it.


The Unbearable Lightness of Being White
Documentary on how hard it is to be white in today’s reverse racism society. Reverse klan. Reverse stereotypes. Reverse slavery (freedom). The list goes on. Will be documentary so script not necessary!


Spike Lee’s The Original Kings Of Shut Up
We get spike lee to write and direct movie about a group of famous people who are always going “shut up!” in a million different ways. Different situations. Different settings, but always SHUT UP!
(wait for exec to say something)
SHUT UP!!! Haha, see? This is the nature of the beast.


The Nature of the Beast
Just thought of this one. Maybe The Beast could be played by Chris Farley’s fat alive brother.

The Filthy Mouthed Naturalist

Salutations cunts,

“Harbor seals! Fucking harbor seals,” I verbally jismed, startling the other ferryboat passengers.
“Oh shit! Two of them! There’s two! Jesus Christ, that one just made diarrhea! Holy dead-baby that is amazing!!!”

Haha. Perhaps I embarrassed myself, but hey, harbor seals are FUN, you n***er! :)









This is a great time of year to spot these curious little faggots swimming, rubbing their pussies and feeding on the ocean’s bountiful fuckbucket. But to see one spraying diarrhea all over the place was a truly fucked up experience that I will treasure for motherfucking satanchrist ever.

Keep fucking nature in the ass

Regibald Q. Parsnidge
The Filthy Mouthed Naturalist

Weird Al Phones It In (part 2)

HAMMY BOY
(To tune of Traditional "Danny Boy")

Oh hammy boy
The hams the hams are in the fridge
They’re yum yum good
for making sandwiches out of












GOOD LIBATIONS
(To tune of Marky Mark's "Good Vibrations")

Its just-a good libationnn!
-Huh! Sip it! Sip it!-
Its just-a sweeeeeeet sensatioooonnnn!
-Sip the libation!-




DELI DELI MY DARLING
(To tune of The Misfits' "Die Die My Darling")

Deli deli deli my darling
Don’t cure a single salami
Deli deli deli my darling
Just get me some pastrami
I’ll be seeing you again
I’ll be seeing you…in Hell.

Japanese Punching-Scientists Punch Pregnant Whale for Science

Monday, August 25
Top Japanese punching scientists are conducting research on a pregnant whale caught off the coast of Antarctica.

"You'd be surprised how little the scientific community actually knows about how pregnant whales respond to getting punched," Said Dr. Yuko Fushi, in between scientific punches and carefully thought out open palm slaps.

"its too early to draw conclusions," Added Dr. Ishi Yanewa, before dropping his pen into the whale's open blow hole for emphasis.

Edgar Allan Poop: The Thinking Man’s Toilet Comic

Greetings Buffalo New York. Greetings.

Perchance a query
on this evening dark and dreary.

Imagine if one were to have diarrhea AND constipation at the same time? I believe such a scenario would unfold…a little bit…like this:

(Pretends to pull knickerbockers down. Grunts and strains for several moments. Suddenly, a diarrhea sound effect.)

‘Ye Gads! What a morbid surprise! Had I known this liquid Hell were my destiny I surely would have put less effort forth into arriving here!’

Quoth the anus, "Flbthbthblpbpbfffffpt!!!"

ANOTHER BOOK IDEA TO SEND TO PUBLISHY:

“From The Neighborhood”
A Ginzo Goomba’s Guide to Being from the Neighborhood
By Tony Italiani (pen name so I can have a right to talk about neighborhoods)

OK, wow. Hi. OK publisher. So I safe to say you didn’t piblush my Party Tips for Black People book because you never wrote back and I haven’t seen it in book stores and I didn’t get a money check but this next book is even better because it is great I had the idea while reading that Sopranos guy’s book A Goomba’s Guide to Love











and it gave me the idea From The Neighborhood: A Ginzo Goomba’s Guide to Being From the Neighborhood so here goes.


Chapter 1: Love
This chapter will act as a goomba’s guide to love. Mama mia!

Chapter 2: growing up in the neighbohod.
Here I will bretend I am a Italian from the neighbohohd. I tell traditional stories about my mama mia’s cooking and my papa pia’s crime gang. Real tight nit comyunity. Funny stories all written in a Brookland accent!

Chafter 3: You know you’re from the neighborhood (sp?) if you…
-had an uncle
-are a Italian actor
-pronounce pizza without sounding out the z’s (“peeetsa”)
-are a murderer
-are murdered
-are a redneck (JK jeff fockswerthy is GOD (JK jesus is))

CHAPT 4: famous Italian Americans
-Leonardo Davinchio
-Whos The Boss
-Onlympia Ducockiss

Chaptor 5: Neighborhood Shmeiborhood (sp?)
This chapter will make fun of the neighborhood for fun. What’s with ‘the neighborhood’? What is that baloney? Huh?
It’ll make people laugh because they like to see the things they love get yelled at sometime.

Happy publishing!

Exclusive News Headline: Billy Joel MURDERS Art Garfunkel

“Pianoman” Billy Joel is under arrest and on suicide watch after witnesses say he murdered fellow singing legend Art Garfunkel at a mutual friend’s Long Island home Monday evening.
Police say they received an anonymous call at 5:30pm claiming that Billy Joel was murdering an unidentified person. Upon arriving at the scene, arresting officer Michael Shwerm said he was surprised to discover it really was Joel, still in the process of murdering.

“Of course at the time, I had no idea the victim was Art Garfunkel," said Shwerm, "He was too badly burned and his skull was completely crushed, rendering him unrecognizable and disgusting. But something told me I should stop this murder.”

Investigators say it appears Joel had tried, unsuccessfully, to rip Garfunkel's face off, in an attempt to recreate the album cover of Joel's 1976 hit "The Stranger"
















Officer Shwerm quickly took action,

“I fired a warning shot, but it was too late. Joel was done murdering. Now the victim, who turned out to be Art Garfunkel, was just plain murdered.”

Joel was taken to Nassau County prison where he awaits charges.
It’s unclear as to what caused the incident. One witness who wished to remain anonymous offered her opinion, “I think Billy Joel overreacted about something.”

A succinct character: The Big-Mouthed Psychic ruining his friend’s birthday party:

Happy birthday toooo youuuu- And SEVEN moooorrrrrre-













………I...I am so sorry…I.......

Finally a blog post JUST FOR TEENS!

This blog post is a safe place where teens can read. Post comments. Click around. Whatever!









TEEN TOPICS:


Teen boxing
The world of boxing is a great place for teens. Here at this blog post, we take all sorts of teens OFF the streets and put them into the boxing ring immediately.









Teens can make not-bad money, boxing full grown men as a way for the dude to feel better about himself and get a chance to actually hurt somebody. This is a public health issue solved by TEENS!



Teens dating teens? Now I’ve seen everything!

It’s a fact of life. These days, teens are gunna date some teens sometimes. That’s why today’s teens use protection. Protecteen tm is a teen organization that exists solely within this blog post. It ensures teens have the tools they need, to protect themselves from sexy diseases.



Teen poetry corner
Hi teen, welcome.
You look sad. Did you know that means you’re a good writer? Its true. Come on in and pull up a beanbag. Sorry it’s not chair-size.
Hey, so, Rebecca was just about to read us her poem. Take it away Rebeccs.










Cool. Great job Rebecca. I guess that was lucky how all those words wound up rhyming, huh? Writing is a funny thing. It’s 25% luck, 50% sadness and 25% typing.


Future teen topics:
Teen tours
Teen real estate
Teens

Choose your actions carefully

Choose your actions carefully, because someone, someday, may make a movie about your life…and it may star Tom Hanks…and do you really want to hurt Tom Hanks’ career with all those masturbation scenes? They have NOTHING to do with the plot! One minute you're planning a trip or something, then suddenly cut to ANOTHER masturbation scene!?!- this is the weirdest Tom Hanks movie I’ve ever seen! shame on you.

Welcome To The Raisin House Of Tomorrow!

Hello and thank you for stopping in to view this exciting new home, available at a competitive price. The Automated Realtor audio tour will begin at the tone.

(beep)

As you may have noticed, this house smells like raisins. Every room. Raisins. No one knows why. Some houses just smell like raisins. In fact, many buyers see it as a plus.

Monticello is a raisin house. Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water is also a raisin house.

Please make your way through the foyer toward the kitchen. Still smell raisins? Of course you do. You will find the consistency comforting.

This is the kitchen.

Dishwasher. Viking range. Raisin smell. Granite counters. You can cook anything you want in this kitchen! You can almost smell the Thanksgiving raisins now. Mmm.

Please follow the arrows up the stairs to the master bedroom. You will notice that the stairwell smells of raisins. This is terrific.


Welcome to the master bedroom. The brilliant white carpeting is subtly accented by the thuggish hint of raisins. You definitely want to buy this house.

Imagine convincing your friends that your new home used to belong to some sort of raisin tycoon or perhaps to one of the fictional R&B singing California Raisins. "This is where they found the famous raisin, dead on the toilet," you may tell your boss as you proudly show him around. I hope you like promotions! And raisins!

Book publishers used to hire me to write the back-cover blurbs/synopses for their books. Then they stopped.

The Road
A man stumbles across the burned out wasteland. He is completely scared and 100 percent sad. It's the year (?) and everything is dead & spooky. You are in for a seriously good read. OK, Take care.














Under The Tuscan Sun
Enjoy this book like you would a fine wine! Haha, just kidding. Enjoy!














Black Beauty
Finally a horse that doesn't subscribe to the white man's definition of beauty. Black Beauty takes place in an era of breathtaking spectacle and exuberant fortitude. Great for kids or pretty much anyone who likes Black Beauty.














Spice Up That Meal (cookbook)
This book is the cure for the common meal!
It’s also the cure for the common cold! 200% money-back guarantee!